Optomism

I have lots to do tonight—homework, walk Zoey, clean the kitchen....I think I'll blog instead :). Actually, this was on my to-do list since my list of loyal followers probably want a recent update (and by list, I mean my husband).

I realize that all I've talked about the last few months is deployment, but that's all I know right now. It's all I care about. So here comes another deployment blog post.

I've asked myself many times if this deployment or my first one was harder. I'm definitely going with this one. Although we are blessed to only have nine months of deployment as opposed to a year, it's been emotionally harder on me because Josh is in a much more dangerous place. I find myself in constant worry and fear. I completely trust God and have faith in Him, but it doesn't mean that I'm not human either. I'm so blessed to have a husband that makes a huge effort to contact me as much as he can (even when he's tired, stressed, or however busy he is). I'm thankful that he's able to separate his job from his relationship with his wife. I'm thankful that he's able to provide us with enough money that I can get my master's degree. I am more than blessed.

No matter where we are or what we're doing, we never know what God's plan is for us. He could take any of us at any time. I will continue to pray for Josh's safety and trust in God. Even though this is a sucky situation, I'm thankful for the opportunity to grow in my relationship with God and with my husband. Sometimes you need to strive for optimism even in the worst of situations!

No News Is Good News

Be forewarned, I’m about to vent.  Maybe I’m choosing this blog as my source of frustration release due to the fact that I have an audience of two. :)  I’m that person that can’t stand people constantly venting on Facebook.  Not all of us like to see your issues on an hourly basis.  Too mean?

With that said, there are some things that I just need to get off my chest.  Yesterday was tough.  I’m a worrier; we all know that.  Take my regular worrying and multiply it by ten when Josh is deployed.  Then take that and multiple it by one hundred when Josh is deployed AND there is a blackout.  A blackout (from what I understand) is when a casualty has happened and all forms of Internet or communication are pulled until the next of kin is notified.  Usually, when I suddenly don’t hear from Josh for a while, my first guess is that some sort of blackout has occurred.  I’m not going to lie, this is a sick to the stomach kind of feeling.  Knowing that a casualty has occurred, but not knowing if your husband is ok makes the stress of deployment just a LITTLE more stressful.  I admit, I have looked out the window multiple times during blackouts.  I’m terrified that the doorbell will ring.  At the same time, I think about the family members that have to receive that message at their front door.  I never want it to be me, but why is it fair that it has to be another wife, mother, child, etc.?

It also makes me livid to think about all the people that ignorantly assume that our war is over or that nothing is really happening over there.  Men and women are killed almost every day in action.   It really upsets me that men and women are putting their lives on the line every single day, and the people, going about their daily lives over here, don't really seem to care.

Told you I was gong to vent.  Vent over!

Communication....or lack thereof

You know how a common problem in marriages is the lack of communication?  Try communicating while your other half is on the other side of the world!  Not only do we have limited conversations, but the conversations that we do have are usually over gmail chat or email.  Unfortunately the phones are so bad that I can only hear every other word that Josh says and Skype is very finicky on when it will or will not work due to horrible internet.  This is extremely frustrated!  It's so easy to take something completely out of context when it is written.

I read an interesting quote in Love and Respect the other day.  "If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code.  And the problem is, they don't know how to decipher the messages they sent to one another."  Makes sense right?  We've all been there.  

This takes so much patience, forgiveness, and understanding.  Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who is willing to work at our marriage no matter how difficult our situation might be!

Doubting, Uncertainty......Faith, Trusting

Ok, so I don't really talk about our trouble trying to conceive (mainly because people don't understand).  But right now, I'm kind of at the point where I just need to write about it.  Honestly, most of the things I write in this blog are simply for my own sake...so that I can return to it down the road and remember so many wonderful aspects of my life.

I had a really tough night last night.  I was a couple days late, and even though I knew better, I began to get my hopes up....simply to be saddened by that nasty little thing we call miss flow.  I wanted to vent, cry, complain, etc to Josh but the fact that he's on the other side of the world in a completely different time zone makes things a little difficult.  Instead, I cried on my bed, somewhat angry, but mostly disappointed.  I'm not saying this to try to make people feel sorry for me.  I'm simply writing down my feelings...as raw as they are.

I am thankful for a wonderful husband who never fails to remind me that God has a purpose for our lives and that we need to trust that His plan is best.  Still.....this is much easier said than done.

Honestly, I'm tired of seeing everyone pregnant and having babies.  I'm happy for them, but it's still hard to see.  I want to grab women by the neck when they complain about being pregnant.  Again, maybe I'm not detailing the best side of me, but I'm being honest.

I'm very thankful for the life God has given me.  I've been so blessed.  Sometimes I just need to slow down and dwell on the amazing aspects of my life instead of the aspects that I can't control.

Some Randomness

It's kind of funny how the things that annoyed me the most about Josh while he was here, are some of the very things that I miss so much.  Here's a list of my favorite annoyances:

1.  He throws his dirty clothes in a very neat pile in our room.  This pile seems to grow by the second.
2.  He NEVER changes the toilet paper roll when he's the last to use it.  He simply gets out a new roll and places it on the counter.
3.  He sings (quite loudly, I must add) in the car to songs that he has no idea what the lyrics are.  Instead, he mumbles words that kind of sound like the lyrics and swears he actually knows the songs.
4.  He rides the white line when driving and gives me a heart attack every time we go somewhere.  He insists that he's in his lane....my life flashing before my eyes proves otherwise.
5.  He has butterfingers, simply stated.  He hates when I say this about him, but he drops everything!

Ahhh....I love this man!

The Journey Has Begun

Well....Josh is gone and I'm missing him A LOT!  My countdown has begun (thankfully I get to start at 270 days this time instead of 365).  So far I've been able to talk to him a few times.  They usually consist of very short conversations or 4 a.m. conversations that I have a hard time recollecting later. :)  I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot these next 9 months.  Sometimes writing does the heart/soul/mind/body good. :)

On another note, one of my last blogs talked about the sadness of losing my job and not knowing why God was sending me in a direction I didn't necessarily want.  I've done a lot of thinking about my current job and have come up with some reasons that I believe God may have put me here.  First, I need to get out of the house while Josh is gone and if I had stayed in my tech writing job, I would always be home.  It helps me to be around other people and have constant communication when my hubby is gone.  Also, I've been able to get all my classes done during the day while I'm working.  We all know that I don't handle stress well so the fact hat I'm in a job where I can do school while working is a huge blessing.

Always try to see the positive in every life situation!  

Pre-Deployment

I'm not sure which is worse - pre-deployment or the actual deployment.  If I had to answer this, it would obviously be deployment but there's something about pre-deployment that drains a person.  It's the inevitable constantly looming over us.  It's the knowledge of what's to come and the constant effort to make every second count.  It's the dreaded thoughts that uninvitedly pop into your head at random moment and the constant denial that "something" could happen.  It's a feeling that most will never know.

Along with these feelings, there's also an amazing sense of pride that I have in saying that my husband is fighting for our country.  And Josh isn't just any soldier.  He's got an amazing work ethic and loves his job.  He thrives as a leader.

So....here's to hoping this month goes by both slow and fast.  Slow so that I can enjoy every second with Josh but fast so that I can begin my countdown for his return.