A beautiful reminder...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

Painful Acknowledgment

Monday was painful. It was that second before I looked at the test and knew exactly what it would say. Not pregnant. The two weeks post IUI I tried my best to stay positive....and I think I succeeded. I wouldn't let myself think negative thoughts and there were numerous times when I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. Heartburn, hotflashes, bloated...I know I wasn't making that stuff up. I won't lie, it kind of consumes you.

But I knew when I looked at my temperature the day before I was supposed to take the "real" test that I wasn't pregnant. My temp plummeted (which in the TTC world means you're going to start your period). I hate this. I hate that I didn't even have my husband to talk to when I got the negative. I hate that I cried when my brother told me they were pregnant (not because I'm sad, but because I want what they have so bad).

I know what I'm supposed to say. There's a reason. There's a plan. It will happen. I know all this stuff. But I'm too hurt to believe it right now. Before you start judging me, I really do believe that God has a plan for me. But I hate not being able to see a glimmer of hope.

So we'll try again. And hope it works before Josh deploys. If not, we'll continue living our lives...and trusting God.

Afraid to be Hopeful

I'm excited...yet afraid to be excited. I know, it doesn't make much sense. Josh and I are doing artificial insemination (IUI) on Monday. The chances of this working are much higher than anything we've done so far. I'm hopeful, but I'm also afraid to be disappointed. I want to be excited and have high hopes that this could finally be it...but I don't want to get excited just to be disappointed. I know, I sound horribly negative here. These are just honest, raw feelings.

The bad part about IUIs is that they're expensive and unfortunately, our insurance doesn't pay for them. We're blessed to both have jobs so we're able to pay for these, but it's definitely tight. I often wonder why God has asked us to wait for children. Maybe he wanted us to wait until I had a better job so that we could afford everything. I don't know...

I'm going to try to go into the IUI with a very positive attitude. If it doesn't happen this time, that's ok. We'll move on and try again. Thankfully, God has the situation in His hands and that makes this process but less daunting.

Drs Visits

Josh and I finally have a game plan with out fertility specialist. We've decided that I will give myself injections this month and next month, take November off since Josh will be gone that month, and if nothing has happened by then, we'll go ahead and try an IUI in December. It's bitter sweet... I'm excited to actually have a plan....unfortunately, this plan is expensive.

IUIs are no joke when your insurance won't cover them. But I'm going to stay positive and hope they get us somewhere. So right now I'm simply doing the injections. These are no fun. I have to give myself a shot in the stomach every night. And talk about hormones!! I'm crazy and I can't control it :).

In other news, I finally went to the doctor for an ankle I sprained two months ago. I know...I know... I can't even explain how tired I am of doctor's visits. BUT I finally got to the point where I couldn't stand not running anymore. Running releases so much stress for me so these past two months have been torture. I think God is trying to teach me patience.

My advice: stay away from me for a while. The combination of not being able to run and extra hormones makes me a joy to live with! :)

Some good humor

Sometimes it's good to laugh at issues in our lives.

Here's my good laugh for the day. Josh will appreciate these. :)

A Switch of Pace

I haven't blogged about the Army in while. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've (intentionally) kept that word out of my writing since I got my husband back from Afhanistan. Sometimes it's nice just to be normal...or pretent like we're normal. In reality, we're not but these past few months have been about as normal as it gets for us! Speaking of normal, as I write this Josh is staying about 15 miles away from me. No cell phone service and we don't get to see eachother for three weeks. That's OUR normal!

All this to say, I was thinking about my life as an Army wife. I was thinking about the friendships I've made and how I often approach friendships without even knowing I'm doing it. I make more friends than the average person. But I also think that I have a harder time gaining true, strong frienships than the average person. I've been so blessed with the friends I have here in Colorado Springs, but something in the back of my head knows that they'll eventually move or I will. It's the Army life. Knowing that, I find myself not allowing myself to get too close to most people.

On the flip side, I've been so blessed to come in contact with so many wonderful people. Again, I think that due to my life, I come in contact with more people than the average person. I also am able to connect with these people easier because we share a bond (the military lifestyle). Just like anything in life, if you don't go through something yourself, it's difficult for you to understand. That's why I'm so thankful for my military friends who understand my life.

Honesty

People like realness right?  Then why do we find it so hard to be real? I struggle...just like everyone else. But I often don't want others to know what I'm struggling with. For me, it's infertility. It's hard for me to describe the feelings I go through on a daily basis. Why me? I love children...always have. Wouldn't I be a better mother than many of the moms out there that don't deserve children? I'm financially secure, mature, and loving. I know these thoughts are perfectly normal. And yes, I'm normal as they come. But I also know....deep down...that there is a reason. I've been so blessed in every other aspect of my life. That's why I hate to complain. That's why I hate to show my real feelings.

Every one of my close friends that I had back when Josh and I started trying 2.5 years ago is now pregnant or has children. Am I happy for them? Absolutely! Has it been hard? Definitely! I love my friends' children. But it only makes me long for my own. This morning in church, two babies were dedicated. Why can't I just be happy for these parents and move on? Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely happy for them. But it seems like that evil little thing called jealousy sneaks in no matter where I am. I found myself holding back tears because, once again, I sat there wondering why I can't have that. I hate that I struggle with this. I hate the emotional attatchment that I have to it.

So that's me being honest. And you'll probably here more of it. Am I right to be jealous? No. But is it normal. I think so. It's a struggle that I deal with daily, but it's also me being human.