Some Awareness

So April 20-26 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 3.5 years into this, I think that I've experienced most issues dealing with infertility.

If I was to give a bit of advice in order to bring awareness to infertility, it would be this:

Please don't ever tell an infertile person that you know what they're going through (unless you've been through it). It's one of those pains that no one will know unless they personally experience it. I will say that I've been very aware of what I say around others who are dealing with their own struggles. I personally don't know what most of those people are dealing with. As friends, we should be a loving person, a listening ear, and a compassionate heart.

Please don't tell an infertile person that they just need to relax. This goes along with telling them that maybe they should try this or do that. Trust me, infertile women have tried everything. Relaxing doesn't always work!

Don't try to give your opinions. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I just need to eat this or take that. Again, trust me when I say that I've tried everything. I appreciate people trying to help, but it's only frustrating when they assume your "issue" will get fixed if you just try what they suggest.

Be sensitive. Listen. Be a friend. That's all infertile women need. They don't need fixes. They just need people who are compassionate and supportive. (Thankfully, I have many of these people in my life!)

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And just as a side note, I'm now 30. Yikes! I had a good birthday (although once again, my husband couldn't be there to celebrate it with me). Thank you Army!

My twin brother came out to visit. We visited some breweries, went hiking, and went skydiving. Yep, skydiving. Didn't think I'd ever say that! Oh, and I also did a half marathon.

Some of my best friends also took me out the following week. We started with blowouts at the spa, had dinner at a classy jazz restaurant, and followed that by making soap in Manitou Springs. All in all, it was a good birthday :).

Oceans (Where My Feet May Fail)

I want to start this blog off by saying that I don't blog for others to see. My main reason is because I want memories. I want to look back and be able to see where I was in life, what I was struggling with, or the joys I was experiencing. With that said, this blog is going to be a little different than most of mine.

I was sitting in church this morning and a song, that I've sung many times, hit me. Here is a small part of it:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

The lyrics are beautiful. And for me, I long to be able to say this with freedom. I can say that I fully trust God and will go wherever He leads me...but I don't truly act this way. Sometimes I make fun of my A type, strong, controlling personality, but I honestly struggle so much with this personality. I need to be in control so much that I can't trust anyone....even to the point where I'm not sure I completely trust God to take care of me. Yes, I would like to believe that...but I don't think I act that way. How many times have I tried to take situations into my own hands because I don't trust God to take care of it?

I've also failed as a wife in this area. I know that the respect/submission topic is a controversial issue amongst Christians. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I truly believe that it's my responsibility to respect my husband...and part of this is giving him my complete trust. Again, I can say I trust and respect my husband all day long, but until my actions show it, it's not true.

Changing these things in my life will not only make me happier, but will make those around me happier. I've tried many times to make changes in this area, but have always fallen back to my normal, controlling, non-trusting self. And I've hurt people and my relationship with God because of it. It's a personality. I get it. But it needs to be changed. I know some people think it's ridiculous to try to change your personality. I'm not changing who I am as a person. I'm changing how I react or respond to situations in my life. This year, I'm working on becoming that trusting, respectful person to my husband. Will it be easy? No. But I know it needs to happen and I'm actually excited about changing my non-trusting, controlling personality into one that is loving, kind, respectful, and full of trust.

Sometimes I want to be weak

I'm strong....and I don't necessarily take pride in that. Not physically strong (although I wish I was). I'm talking mentally. I've been through some hard areas in life that have forced me to put on a hard - yes, even rough - exterior. I get through rough patches by putting on a smile, picking myself up, and moving on. As much as this is a good thing, it's also not. I don't cry often. And when I do, I shed a few tears and that's it. I can't remember the last time I had a good hard sob. I won't let myself sob. I couldn't even tell you why. It just doesn't happen.

I'm so tired of trying to avoid my feelings when it comes to our infertility journey. I'm so tired of trying to push the fact that I miss my husband terribly under the rug so that I won't hurt worse. It's hard....so hard. I will always back up Josh as long as he decides to stay in the military, but it's so hard. I'm so lonely and I miss seeing him and kissing him every day. I miss going to bed with him. I miss going for hikes or runs on Saturdays. I even miss silly things like his dirty laundry and the bathroom seat up.

But then I go back to being strong. It'll be easier to get through all of this if I just toughen up and go on with my day, right? Or is it?

It's been 2 months. I hope that the next 7 go by fast because this isn't easy.

Getting Closer

So today I had a sonohysterogram. From what I understand, they put water water into your uterus (more painful than I thought it would be!) and do a regular ultrasound to make sure everything looks ok. They also did the "pretend" transfer today to make sure that it works. Everything went well. I'm excited to be done with all of these doctor's visits. Thankfully, my boss is very understanding and allows me to take off multiple times a months...and sometimes a week.

On Friday, I pick up my birth control. Yep, you heard that right. After three years of being off birth control and trying to get pregnant, I'm going back on it! This will just be for a month before the IVF. I think it's to regulate things...but I'm actually not sure. Wow....I'm the worst patient ever! How do I not know this stuff?

I'm excited and a bit nervous. I'm very optimistic about this one. Maybe because it's a bigger procedure and has a better rate of working. I've also learned that being pessimistic gets me no where. The next couple of months I'm going to work on getting myself ready for June (when we plan to do the transfer). This means no coffee (yep you heard me right) and no strenuous workouts. AHHH!! I about had a heart attack when my doctor told me I shouldn't run my half marathon I signed up for in May (just because it's too close to June). I will still run my April half but then begin to only work out 30-45 minutes a day. As much as this kills me, it will all be worth it. Plus, I've found ways around no caffeine. Apparently Starbucks makes most of their drinks decaf as well....this could be a bad thing :).

It's a little sad doing all this by myself. I wish Josh could hold my hand through it all. But I'm strong and he's strong and we'll get through it together thousands of miles apart :).

Decisions....

So here we are again...making decisions. I hate this part. I wish these things were easy. I wish that God would just send me an email and tell me what decision is best for us. :)

I had another IVF consult with my doctor. Looks like we're going through with this thing! I'm excited but nervous. It's a lot of money not to work. I came out of that appointment a bit defeated though. My doctor asked me how much coffee I drink a day. I said 3 cups. Later, after calculating the coffee I drink, I realized it's more like 5 cups. Yikes! He told me that I could only have one cup a day and it would be best to have no cups. I've been wanting to wean my drinking habbits for a while, so there's no time to start like now! << Did that sentence just make me sound like an alcoholic? :)

The worst part is that he told me not to run my May half marathon. If you're a runner, you'll realize how hard this is. Running is also my stress reliever while Josh is deployed. So neeless to say, I was disappointed. Thankfully, I can still work out and run....just nothing strenuous.

Now for the decisions part - we have to decide whether we are going to insert one embryo or two. My doctor suggests one based on my age and health. I would love that...if it worked. But putting only one embryo in makes me nervous. For the money we're paying, I would feel better putting in two since the chance seems better. But then you have the risk of a harder pregnancy and a possible early birth. We're still not sure what we're going to do. Lots of prayers and hoping we get a clear answer.

Dad's Surprise 60th Birthday

So a couple months ago, some of my family members had this grand idea of throwing my dad a surprise birthday party. It wasn't just any birthday. This one was his 60th. So the girls got together and began planning. You have to udnerstand that our family never was into birthdays. We never threw parties and never had surprises. So to do this was somthing new. There were a couple things that concerned us a bit. First, my dad does not like attention....at all. So to throw a surprise birthday for him, where he would be the center of attention, was a bit of a gamble. Second, my mom can not keep a secret. Ever. So to bring her into this situation was also...a gamble.

Fast forward to the surprise party. I drove down from Colorado and Jared and Mindy drove from Texas (unfortunately, Sam and Karen couldn't make it). We spent all day Saturday prepping for the party. And guess what? My mom did an amazing job keeping the secret! She's got a little more edge than we thought! The best part was that my dad was actually surprised and everything worked out perfectly!

As we all know, I'm not much of a story teller. I could go into much greater detail, but that gives you the gist. Here are some pictures to tell the story in a little greater detail.

Too deep?

I try to stay away from posts that are too deep....not because I'm afraid of them, but because I like to keep my posts on the lighter side (most of the time).

With that said, I'm going to get deep here. Some of my girlfriends and I were talking about how life can sometimes be difficult (for some more than other) and how some very common phrases are often used to "justify" these difficulties. I'm sure you've heard them or used them before (I know I have). They are, "Everything happens for a reason" and "God won't give you more than you can handle."

They are nice phrases, but are they true? I honestly don't know. I believe that things happen in our lives so that God can carry out a plan. But here's where it gets difficult. How do you tell someone who is dying from cancer or dealing with sorrow that everything happens for a reason. Why is it happening to them? Is there a justifiable reason? There are so many unanswered questions to difficulties in life. And as long as we are here on earth, many of these questions will never get answered.

One of my favorite blogs as of late is this one. And I agree with her. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle....emotionally, physically, mentally.....

One of my favorite quotes is from Corrie Ten Boom - "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." And in times of difficulties, this holds true more than other. Trust in a God that will comfort us in our time of need. We may not know why things happen, but it's comforting to know that He will never leave us or forsake us.