People like realness right? Then why do we find it so hard to be real? I struggle...just like everyone else. But I often don't want others to know what I'm struggling with. For me, it's infertility. It's hard for me to describe the feelings I go through on a daily basis. Why me? I love children...always have. Wouldn't I be a better mother than many of the moms out there that don't deserve children? I'm financially secure, mature, and loving. I know these thoughts are perfectly normal. And yes, I'm normal as they come. But I also know....deep down...that there is a reason. I've been so blessed in every other aspect of my life. That's why I hate to complain. That's why I hate to show my real feelings.
Every one of my close friends that I had back when Josh and I started trying 2.5 years ago is now pregnant or has children. Am I happy for them? Absolutely! Has it been hard? Definitely! I love my friends' children. But it only makes me long for my own. This morning in church, two babies were dedicated. Why can't I just be happy for these parents and move on? Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely happy for them. But it seems like that evil little thing called jealousy sneaks in no matter where I am. I found myself holding back tears because, once again, I sat there wondering why I can't have that. I hate that I struggle with this. I hate the emotional attatchment that I have to it.
So that's me being honest. And you'll probably here more of it. Am I right to be jealous? No. But is it normal. I think so. It's a struggle that I deal with daily, but it's also me being human.