Words that I may not be the best at expressing

I'm a lot like my dad. And I'm pretty proud of that...although, one area that I may not be so proud of is my lack of communication. My parents used to make fun of me when I was growing up because they would ask me how my day was and my response was always, "fine." I sound like your typical guy, right? Well when it comes to communication, I'm definitely the male in my marriage. It's actually the running joke around our house. Thankfully God gave me a husband who is opposite and is amazing at expressing his feelings and trying to pull information out of me.

I'm so thankful for Josh. And I don't say that enough. There are so many little things about him that I love. I love how he makes dinner for me almost every night. I love it when I tell him I've had a bad day and I come home to a glass of wine and cheese covered chips (my favorites)! I love how he meets me at the gym after work even after he's already worked out for the day. I love how he tucks his hand under my leg at night and touches his foot to mine while we sleep. I love how he adores me even when I wake up crabby...every.single.morning. I love watching him laugh and interact with other people in a group setting - and I love how genuinely nice he is. I love that he's both manly and sensitive. I love how he's honest with me when I'm not treating him well and tells me to stop (believe it or not, I need that and appreciate it).

I could go on and on. But I'll keep it short for today :).

10 Miles of Therapy

That's exactly what happened yesterday. I love running and I love it even more when Josh is with me. I talked him into signing up for a half marathon on March 1 (which gives us exactly three weeks to train for it). Thankfully, this didn't scare Josh off. In fact, running long miles without training is not new to him.

Later that day, we went to a Valentine's Day group painting class. It was so much fun spending this time with Josh and good friends. Josh added a verse to his painting - Proverbs 13:12. It says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." A little backstory to this - I've always wanted to eventually adopt (although I assumed it would be after having biological children). Josh always said that he wanted a little Josh or Alyssa first. So we tried. Yesterday, when he showed me this painting with this verse, he told me that it was his way of saying that he wanted to move forward with adoption. This means so much to me and I'm excited to start a new journey.

Post Run

Pre Painting

...No Words

I'm not exactly sure what to say in this post. I don't want to come across as depressed or feeling sorry for myself or hopeless...because I'm not. I'm just sad. Ok, I'm really sad. We were told that our embryo had abnormalities and there was no way it would have lived. So I sit here wondering why this keeps happening and where we're supposed to turn from here. Why is it so hard for us to make a baby when everyone around us seems to get pregnant at the drop of a dime?

I'm thankful for an adorably sweet husband who always knows how to comfort me when I'm sad. And I'm thankful that he's so much stronger than me because I need that rock during times like this. I know that I say this over and over again, but I know we're blessed. And I know that everything will eventually work out. 

So until then, we wait. We have a consult next week. Josh and I have decided that if we're told that all we have to pay for is medications, then we'll try this again. If not, we'll move on. Adoption has always been on my heart so the possibility of that makes me so happy. I know there's a little Bone out there somewhere. And his/her parents are waiting. That baby will be a miracle no matter how it happens.

Latest Update

I don't really know how to feel today....excited or disappointed. Maybe I'm a little of both. We got news that only one embryo made it. The next step is sending this embryo off for testing to make sure it's good. We'll get news in 5-10 days. I'm terrified that this won't work...but at the same time hear a constant voice in my head saying, "just have faith." I know that God has a plan. And maybe that plan is not for us to have biological children. But maybe it is. Maybe this one embryo is our child.

We put a lot on the line for this...$20,000 to be exact. My goal for the next 5-10 days is to remain as positive as possible. And to trust that God's plan is better than my plan.