Some Awareness

So April 20-26 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 3.5 years into this, I think that I've experienced most issues dealing with infertility.

If I was to give a bit of advice in order to bring awareness to infertility, it would be this:

Please don't ever tell an infertile person that you know what they're going through (unless you've been through it). It's one of those pains that no one will know unless they personally experience it. I will say that I've been very aware of what I say around others who are dealing with their own struggles. I personally don't know what most of those people are dealing with. As friends, we should be a loving person, a listening ear, and a compassionate heart.

Please don't tell an infertile person that they just need to relax. This goes along with telling them that maybe they should try this or do that. Trust me, infertile women have tried everything. Relaxing doesn't always work!

Don't try to give your opinions. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I just need to eat this or take that. Again, trust me when I say that I've tried everything. I appreciate people trying to help, but it's only frustrating when they assume your "issue" will get fixed if you just try what they suggest.

Be sensitive. Listen. Be a friend. That's all infertile women need. They don't need fixes. They just need people who are compassionate and supportive. (Thankfully, I have many of these people in my life!)

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And just as a side note, I'm now 30. Yikes! I had a good birthday (although once again, my husband couldn't be there to celebrate it with me). Thank you Army!

My twin brother came out to visit. We visited some breweries, went hiking, and went skydiving. Yep, skydiving. Didn't think I'd ever say that! Oh, and I also did a half marathon.

Some of my best friends also took me out the following week. We started with blowouts at the spa, had dinner at a classy jazz restaurant, and followed that by making soap in Manitou Springs. All in all, it was a good birthday :).

Oceans (Where My Feet May Fail)

I want to start this blog off by saying that I don't blog for others to see. My main reason is because I want memories. I want to look back and be able to see where I was in life, what I was struggling with, or the joys I was experiencing. With that said, this blog is going to be a little different than most of mine.

I was sitting in church this morning and a song, that I've sung many times, hit me. Here is a small part of it:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

The lyrics are beautiful. And for me, I long to be able to say this with freedom. I can say that I fully trust God and will go wherever He leads me...but I don't truly act this way. Sometimes I make fun of my A type, strong, controlling personality, but I honestly struggle so much with this personality. I need to be in control so much that I can't trust anyone....even to the point where I'm not sure I completely trust God to take care of me. Yes, I would like to believe that...but I don't think I act that way. How many times have I tried to take situations into my own hands because I don't trust God to take care of it?

I've also failed as a wife in this area. I know that the respect/submission topic is a controversial issue amongst Christians. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I truly believe that it's my responsibility to respect my husband...and part of this is giving him my complete trust. Again, I can say I trust and respect my husband all day long, but until my actions show it, it's not true.

Changing these things in my life will not only make me happier, but will make those around me happier. I've tried many times to make changes in this area, but have always fallen back to my normal, controlling, non-trusting self. And I've hurt people and my relationship with God because of it. It's a personality. I get it. But it needs to be changed. I know some people think it's ridiculous to try to change your personality. I'm not changing who I am as a person. I'm changing how I react or respond to situations in my life. This year, I'm working on becoming that trusting, respectful person to my husband. Will it be easy? No. But I know it needs to happen and I'm actually excited about changing my non-trusting, controlling personality into one that is loving, kind, respectful, and full of trust.

Sometimes I want to be weak

I'm strong....and I don't necessarily take pride in that. Not physically strong (although I wish I was). I'm talking mentally. I've been through some hard areas in life that have forced me to put on a hard - yes, even rough - exterior. I get through rough patches by putting on a smile, picking myself up, and moving on. As much as this is a good thing, it's also not. I don't cry often. And when I do, I shed a few tears and that's it. I can't remember the last time I had a good hard sob. I won't let myself sob. I couldn't even tell you why. It just doesn't happen.

I'm so tired of trying to avoid my feelings when it comes to our infertility journey. I'm so tired of trying to push the fact that I miss my husband terribly under the rug so that I won't hurt worse. It's hard....so hard. I will always back up Josh as long as he decides to stay in the military, but it's so hard. I'm so lonely and I miss seeing him and kissing him every day. I miss going to bed with him. I miss going for hikes or runs on Saturdays. I even miss silly things like his dirty laundry and the bathroom seat up.

But then I go back to being strong. It'll be easier to get through all of this if I just toughen up and go on with my day, right? Or is it?

It's been 2 months. I hope that the next 7 go by fast because this isn't easy.