Sometimes I want to be weak

I'm strong....and I don't necessarily take pride in that. Not physically strong (although I wish I was). I'm talking mentally. I've been through some hard areas in life that have forced me to put on a hard - yes, even rough - exterior. I get through rough patches by putting on a smile, picking myself up, and moving on. As much as this is a good thing, it's also not. I don't cry often. And when I do, I shed a few tears and that's it. I can't remember the last time I had a good hard sob. I won't let myself sob. I couldn't even tell you why. It just doesn't happen.

I'm so tired of trying to avoid my feelings when it comes to our infertility journey. I'm so tired of trying to push the fact that I miss my husband terribly under the rug so that I won't hurt worse. It's hard....so hard. I will always back up Josh as long as he decides to stay in the military, but it's so hard. I'm so lonely and I miss seeing him and kissing him every day. I miss going to bed with him. I miss going for hikes or runs on Saturdays. I even miss silly things like his dirty laundry and the bathroom seat up.

But then I go back to being strong. It'll be easier to get through all of this if I just toughen up and go on with my day, right? Or is it?

It's been 2 months. I hope that the next 7 go by fast because this isn't easy.