Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Painful Acknowledgment

Monday was painful. It was that second before I looked at the test and knew exactly what it would say. Not pregnant. The two weeks post IUI I tried my best to stay positive....and I think I succeeded. I wouldn't let myself think negative thoughts and there were numerous times when I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. Heartburn, hotflashes, bloated...I know I wasn't making that stuff up. I won't lie, it kind of consumes you.

But I knew when I looked at my temperature the day before I was supposed to take the "real" test that I wasn't pregnant. My temp plummeted (which in the TTC world means you're going to start your period). I hate this. I hate that I didn't even have my husband to talk to when I got the negative. I hate that I cried when my brother told me they were pregnant (not because I'm sad, but because I want what they have so bad).

I know what I'm supposed to say. There's a reason. There's a plan. It will happen. I know all this stuff. But I'm too hurt to believe it right now. Before you start judging me, I really do believe that God has a plan for me. But I hate not being able to see a glimmer of hope.

So we'll try again. And hope it works before Josh deploys. If not, we'll continue living our lives...and trusting God.

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Afraid to be Hopeful

I'm excited...yet afraid to be excited. I know, it doesn't make much sense. Josh and I are doing artificial insemination (IUI) on Monday. The chances of this working are much higher than anything we've done so far. I'm hopeful, but I'm also afraid to be disappointed. I want to be excited and have high hopes that this could finally be it...but I don't want to get excited just to be disappointed. I know, I sound horribly negative here. These are just honest, raw feelings.

The bad part about IUIs is that they're expensive and unfortunately, our insurance doesn't pay for them. We're blessed to both have jobs so we're able to pay for these, but it's definitely tight. I often wonder why God has asked us to wait for children. Maybe he wanted us to wait until I had a better job so that we could afford everything. I don't know...

I'm going to try to go into the IUI with a very positive attitude. If it doesn't happen this time, that's ok. We'll move on and try again. Thankfully, God has the situation in His hands and that makes this process but less daunting.