The Great Debate

I've always had a heart for adoption. Even before we knew we were infertile, I wanted to eventually adopt. So naturally, when we began to have problems getting pregnant, I immediately talked to Josh about possibly adopting.

At first, I was surprised at his answer. After he explained his reasoning time after time, I began to slowly understand it. Josh doesn't want to adopt...at least not yet. And this is his reason why. He desires to have a small part of him here on this earth. He desires to have that fulfillment in knowing that he helped create that small being. I think these are all natural thoughts.

But he also has thoughts that aren't quite as common. He's in the army and going on his third deployment so naturally his thoughts are a little more deep than most of us. He wants to know that if, God forbid, something happen to him, that he has a legacy....some part of him that is left on this earth.

For me, I just want a child to love and nurture. It doesn't matter if that child is adopted or my own flesh and blood. I fought (unintentionally) Josh on this for a while. Some days I still do want to fight him. Why would we pay thousands of dollars on IVF when we can give a child a family? But...the more I try to see Josh's perspective, the more I learn to respect it. We're two different people. And I'm thankful that he is so different from me :).

All I want for Christmas is...

Some good friends of our just had a sweet, little baby boy - 5 days before Christmas. As I looked at him, I began to tear up a little...both because I'm happy for their joy and I can't wait to understand what that joy feels like. As much as I'd like to say that I'm completely a selfless person and am always happy, it's not true. I struggle with an inward fight all the time. I struggle between genuinely being happy for someone while being completely jealous at the same time.

We didn't get a child this year but that's ok. We've been so blessed in every other aspect of our lives. I truely feel that we will someday be blessed with children. I just don't know how we'll get there. In the meantime, I'm working on relaxing a bit and trying to enjoy the simplicity of life. Thankfully I have a husband who forgives my complete irrationality and continues to love me through it. We recently were able to take a mini vacation to Mt Princeton Hot Springs Resort. I think I was able to relax and forget about my to-do-list for a few hours. :) That's a joke. I can never completely relax. Here are some pictures from our adventure.