I thought I was ok...

The test was negative. Was I surprised? No. Was I more upset than I thought I would be? Absolutely.

I was pretty sure that I was not pregnant because I didn't feel anything. I know many women do not feel pregnant until later on, but I'm pretty in tune to my body and there was nothing. I actually felt really calm and peaceful about the situation up till the day I took the test. I told my self over and over again that it was ok if it didn't happen. But when I took the test, I realized I wasn't truly ok with it.

I'd like to say that I'm strong. I'd like to say that I'm completely at peace with the situation and that I've put all trust in God's plan. But I'd be lying. I want a baby. And I know that Josh and I would be amazing parents....so it's hard to try to understand why we can't have one.

I'm not a negative person. I don't get upset when I go to baby showers. I love all my friends' children and my nieces/nephews so much. I don't get upset when I see someone is having their third child in the time that we've been trying to have one. But I do hurt. And I do question why this is so difficult.

To add to this, now my husband is gone (again) and I have to go through this by myself. Obviously he gives as much support as he can over the phone but he can't hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. He can't be there for me when I have a hard time. I'm so thankful for the support of my family friends, but no one can replace my husband.

So there you have it. Those are my real, raw feelings. I wish I could say that I was ok, but I'm really not. I struggle on a daily basis with this. Sometimes I'm completely ok. Other times, I hurt so much. I find my comfort in prayer and in knowing that God's ways are better than my ways.

A Vicious Cycle

For us, deployments come on even years. I wish I was exagerating here...

Josh was gone in 2008 (that wasn't a deployment, but training for 5 months). He was deployed the end of 2009-2010, 2012, and 2014. Yep, that means we get a year on and a year off.

He just left for his 2014 deployment.  I'm surprisingly calm about this one. I keep thinking that maybe it just hasn't sunk in. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But so far, things have been running pretty smoothly. Now here comes the embarrasing part....we're only 2 days in :). Now you can see why things have not been that bad! I'm dreading the next nine months, but I'm also hoping it will be a time where I can grow. Grow spiritually, grow as a wife, grow healthier.....etc. It's up to us to make a good situation out of a bad one...and trust me, I'm going to try my hardest!

I say things are easy now, but I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to this week. This will be the first real week without Josh. I'll have to get used to going to the gym by myself, cooking by myself, and going to bed by myself. I'll have to deal with two dogs that always seem to act out when Josh is gone (I'm not kidding....they're like little human beings)! And lastly, I'll have to deal with the possibility of a negative test on Thursday. Thursday will be two weeks since we did our second IUI. I keep telling myself that I'm ok...but we'll see. I'm somewhat sad already because I don't feel pregnant...at all! But at the same time, I do have some peace with this one.

On Thursday, I'll blog again. I hope it's a good blog :).

 Moments before we said "see you later"

 At Bourbon Brothers the night before they deployed 

(with our friends Ashley and Roshan)