The test was negative. Was I surprised? No. Was I more upset than I thought I would be? Absolutely.
I was pretty sure that I was not pregnant because I didn't feel anything. I know many women do not feel pregnant until later on, but I'm pretty in tune to my body and there was nothing. I actually felt really calm and peaceful about the situation up till the day I took the test. I told my self over and over again that it was ok if it didn't happen. But when I took the test, I realized I wasn't truly ok with it.
I'd like to say that I'm strong. I'd like to say that I'm completely at peace with the situation and that I've put all trust in God's plan. But I'd be lying. I want a baby. And I know that Josh and I would be amazing parents....so it's hard to try to understand why we can't have one.
I'm not a negative person. I don't get upset when I go to baby showers. I love all my friends' children and my nieces/nephews so much. I don't get upset when I see someone is having their third child in the time that we've been trying to have one. But I do hurt. And I do question why this is so difficult.
To add to this, now my husband is gone (again) and I have to go through this by myself. Obviously he gives as much support as he can over the phone but he can't hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. He can't be there for me when I have a hard time. I'm so thankful for the support of my family friends, but no one can replace my husband.
So there you have it. Those are my real, raw feelings. I wish I could say that I was ok, but I'm really not. I struggle on a daily basis with this. Sometimes I'm completely ok. Other times, I hurt so much. I find my comfort in prayer and in knowing that God's ways are better than my ways.
I was pretty sure that I was not pregnant because I didn't feel anything. I know many women do not feel pregnant until later on, but I'm pretty in tune to my body and there was nothing. I actually felt really calm and peaceful about the situation up till the day I took the test. I told my self over and over again that it was ok if it didn't happen. But when I took the test, I realized I wasn't truly ok with it.
I'd like to say that I'm strong. I'd like to say that I'm completely at peace with the situation and that I've put all trust in God's plan. But I'd be lying. I want a baby. And I know that Josh and I would be amazing parents....so it's hard to try to understand why we can't have one.
I'm not a negative person. I don't get upset when I go to baby showers. I love all my friends' children and my nieces/nephews so much. I don't get upset when I see someone is having their third child in the time that we've been trying to have one. But I do hurt. And I do question why this is so difficult.
To add to this, now my husband is gone (again) and I have to go through this by myself. Obviously he gives as much support as he can over the phone but he can't hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. He can't be there for me when I have a hard time. I'm so thankful for the support of my family friends, but no one can replace my husband.
So there you have it. Those are my real, raw feelings. I wish I could say that I was ok, but I'm really not. I struggle on a daily basis with this. Sometimes I'm completely ok. Other times, I hurt so much. I find my comfort in prayer and in knowing that God's ways are better than my ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment