Painful Acknowledgment

Monday was painful. It was that second before I looked at the test and knew exactly what it would say. Not pregnant. The two weeks post IUI I tried my best to stay positive....and I think I succeeded. I wouldn't let myself think negative thoughts and there were numerous times when I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. Heartburn, hotflashes, bloated...I know I wasn't making that stuff up. I won't lie, it kind of consumes you.

But I knew when I looked at my temperature the day before I was supposed to take the "real" test that I wasn't pregnant. My temp plummeted (which in the TTC world means you're going to start your period). I hate this. I hate that I didn't even have my husband to talk to when I got the negative. I hate that I cried when my brother told me they were pregnant (not because I'm sad, but because I want what they have so bad).

I know what I'm supposed to say. There's a reason. There's a plan. It will happen. I know all this stuff. But I'm too hurt to believe it right now. Before you start judging me, I really do believe that God has a plan for me. But I hate not being able to see a glimmer of hope.

So we'll try again. And hope it works before Josh deploys. If not, we'll continue living our lives...and trusting God.