Honesty

People like realness right?  Then why do we find it so hard to be real? I struggle...just like everyone else. But I often don't want others to know what I'm struggling with. For me, it's infertility. It's hard for me to describe the feelings I go through on a daily basis. Why me? I love children...always have. Wouldn't I be a better mother than many of the moms out there that don't deserve children? I'm financially secure, mature, and loving. I know these thoughts are perfectly normal. And yes, I'm normal as they come. But I also know....deep down...that there is a reason. I've been so blessed in every other aspect of my life. That's why I hate to complain. That's why I hate to show my real feelings.

Every one of my close friends that I had back when Josh and I started trying 2.5 years ago is now pregnant or has children. Am I happy for them? Absolutely! Has it been hard? Definitely! I love my friends' children. But it only makes me long for my own. This morning in church, two babies were dedicated. Why can't I just be happy for these parents and move on? Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely happy for them. But it seems like that evil little thing called jealousy sneaks in no matter where I am. I found myself holding back tears because, once again, I sat there wondering why I can't have that. I hate that I struggle with this. I hate the emotional attatchment that I have to it.

So that's me being honest. And you'll probably here more of it. Am I right to be jealous? No. But is it normal. I think so. It's a struggle that I deal with daily, but it's also me being human.

So much to write about...so little time

Ok, I'm going to try to bust this blog out as fast as possible. :) I hate to make these blogs such little priority, but let's be honest, they can't be a priority in my busy life. I love my new job, but it very high-stress and I don't get a second to breath. I'm also finishing up my masters degree so between my running and school, I have very little extra time after work.

So let me try to catch everyone up on the last few weeks. I've been a basket-case of emotions. What's new? Thankfully I have a sweet husband who puts up with it and jokes that it's the punishment men have to bear when Adam sinned. Ha ha...not funny. :)

I really have been enjoying my summer with him, though. Due to the life God has given us (military), we make the most out of the little time we actually get together. Last weekend we saw our first concert at Red Rocks together. If you've never been there, I'd say it's a must see. It's beautfiul, to say the least. We saw Stoney LaRue, Randy Rogers Band, Casey Donahew, and Wade Bowen (all amazing Texas country singers).

The next day we got up and ran the Bolder Boulder. This was by far, my favorite run. The entire town of Boulder comes out to cheer on the runners and make their experience amazing (let's just say Josh made the most of it with beer and slip and slides). I think I'm married to a 21 year old. Overall, it was a great weekend.

On a more serious note, I made my first appointment with a fertility specialist. I can't wait to just get this process started. It hasn't been the best last couple of weeks. I found out that two good friends are both pregnant.  It's so hard...as happy as I am for them...it hurts so much to hear this information. I'll try to stay positive and hope that my fertility specialist can give me answers.

It's life though—God gives each of us our own struggles. Mine just happens to be this. I'm blessed with my little family (hubby and dogs) and so happy with the life God has given me. I just need to be reminded to stay positive because I truly am blessed.

Red Rocks Amphitheater 

Bolder Boulder

Pain is weakness leaving the body....right??

Yesterday, Josh and I ran the Spartan race. It's not your typical mud run. This is a 4.5 mile run that incorporates military style obstacles. This was the first run I've been able to do with Josh and we both had so much fun....although I came out feeling like I was just beat my an iron rod. The amount of bruises and scrapes I have on my body are a bit ridiculous. But we had so much fun and I loved having the hubby lift me over many of the obstacles! :)

We've also been trying to take the pups out more. A couple of weekends ago we took them up the Incline for their first time. They did great! Me...not so much. I get anxiety when I get nervous. Let's just say the pups were making me nervous. It's such a steep incline and my fear is that one of them will trip someone or start falling backwards. They did wonderful though and we made it to the top! We always try to run down the trail, but Zoey stopped half way down. She had had enough of running. She's kind of like me...stubborn.

Last weekend we made a trip up Gold Camp road (a frighting drive up the side of a mountain) and had a little picnic at the top. We let the pups run around while we ate lunch. I love my little family.

Things have been busy so we always try to do something fun on the weekends (especially now that the weather is getting nicer). I recently got a new job as a Communications Administrator so my hours are longer and I have less time to get things around the house done. It's been crazy...but a good kind of crazy.

Here are some pictures of our latest adventures:

Top of the Incline

Spartan Finish

 

Mountain picnic

Beautiful Lyrics

My sister told me to listen to this song. If you're ever struggling, questioning, or just trying to get past certain issues in your life, this is a great song to listen to.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the achings of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

1/2 Marathon + Birthday = Great Sunday!

So yesterday was the first birthday I've been able to celebrate with Josh since we met. Crazy! Four years in a row, I've celebrated without that man! It was exciting to actually have a birthday with him home. We started the day off early. I had a half marathon in Denver that morning so we had to leave early enough to drive there and pick up our packets. Most people think I'm crazy for spending a good portion of my birthday running. I love it! Races are fun for me. And it was even better to have my husband waiting for me at the finish line this time! Again, he's been gone for most of my races too (thank you Army).

I also PR'd in this race! I'll be the first to admit...I'm a slow runner. The fastest I've ever run a half marathon is 2:30. I ran this one in 2:16! wahoo! It was a great feeling...especially knowing that the older I get, the faster I'm getting. Age is nothing folks! Why do so many people complain about it? Kidding...kidding.

We ate lunch on a rooftop patio in Denver. It was a gorgeous day! The rest of the afternoon we spent lounging (my choice). Cuddling on the couch with my husband is one of my all time favorite things to do. :)

Pre-Race

 Post-Race

One of those days

It's been one of those days...everytime I turn around I hear about someone else being pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for these people but it's still not easy to hear. Maybe I just need to get off facebook. That way I won't have to face reality on a daily basis.

This is a struggle that no one will understand unless they've been through it. It's the struggle with wanting to be truly happy for others but having a hard time because jealously gets in the way. It's a struggle with wanting to punch someone in the face every time they complain about being sick while pregnant. It's a struggle with adoring your friends' brand new babies but crying when no one is around to see.

Usually I'm ok with our situation...but every once in a while it seems to stab me a little harder. Today is that day.

As I promised...

....here are some before and after pictures of our house. It's so much fun owning a house because you can put your own personal touches on everything. Problem with this is that personal touches usually cost something. It's been tough wanting to make changes to the house, but only being able to make these changes slowly due to a budget.

So far, the yard has probably been the biggest issue. Jax is a digger and we can't seem to break him of it. We have dead grass right now and are curious to see what this tuns into as the summer approaches. Colorado Springs is also on a water restriction and we're only allowed to water two days a week, which won't help our vision of a luscious, green yard!

Here is what we have now. Expect many more changes in the future! I'm excited to be able to make updates to this house and have so many ideas.

Living Room Before

 Living Room After

 Kitchen Before

 Kitchen After

 Basement Before

 Basement After