I use this blog as an outlet to share my true, real feelings. Maybe this is bad...maybe it's not. But I do think it's a good thing to be able to express how you feel, no matter how ugly those feelings might be.
I'll be honest - I've had my days since we found out about our embryo. Some days I'm fine and can see a bright future. Other days I'm mad. I don't want to say I'm mad at God because I'm not. But I am questioning Him. Some days I just sit there and ask Him why He is doing this? Why can't He just make this easy for us? What have I done to deserve this? And so on so forth.
But I also know that my life (compared to many) is SO easy. There are so many problems in this world that are a million times greater than our infertility.
I'll be honest - I want to be that person that has an amazing attitude about this. I want to be that person that puts her complete faith and trust in God, knowing that His plan is best. But I'm not there yet. And I feel ugly and shameful for it. At the same time, I know that God loves me even through my struggles. And I know that He is with me step by step as I work through my issues and strive for complete trust.
I'll be honest - I've had my days since we found out about our embryo. Some days I'm fine and can see a bright future. Other days I'm mad. I don't want to say I'm mad at God because I'm not. But I am questioning Him. Some days I just sit there and ask Him why He is doing this? Why can't He just make this easy for us? What have I done to deserve this? And so on so forth.
But I also know that my life (compared to many) is SO easy. There are so many problems in this world that are a million times greater than our infertility.
I'll be honest - I want to be that person that has an amazing attitude about this. I want to be that person that puts her complete faith and trust in God, knowing that His plan is best. But I'm not there yet. And I feel ugly and shameful for it. At the same time, I know that God loves me even through my struggles. And I know that He is with me step by step as I work through my issues and strive for complete trust.
I think it's okay to mourn the loss of your dreams. Your desires, hopes, and dreams are not bad. It doesn't mean you don't trust God to mourn your loss. It's normal to be frustrated that that thing you want so much in life is seemingly effortlessly accomplished by nearly everyone around you, while your every effort is blocked. You aren't God, and you can't see the big picture, but you sure can feel the pain of the loss of what you hoped for; I think your reaction is normal and healthy to face the feelings of sadness and anger.
ReplyDeleteFrom our finite view, God's plans often make little sense. When I see a child die, or a young mom die of cancer, it's hard to fathom why God would allow that. Right now I'm at a place in my life where achieving one of my greatest dreams has turned into a nightmare. I question why God would allow such torment upon those whom he loves. Sometimes I almost feel like maybe I get a tiny glimpse of the why--maybe it's to draw me closer to him. Maybe it's so I won't become SO attached and complacent with life here on earth. I suspect I won't ever fully know in this life.
You remain in my prayers.
Laura,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comment! It really touched me more than you know. I agree - it is normal to be frustrated and I know that God loves me through this frustration.
Thank you so much for your prayers and I'll pray for you as you go through your own struggle right now.