Communication....or lack thereof

You know how a common problem in marriages is the lack of communication?  Try communicating while your other half is on the other side of the world!  Not only do we have limited conversations, but the conversations that we do have are usually over gmail chat or email.  Unfortunately the phones are so bad that I can only hear every other word that Josh says and Skype is very finicky on when it will or will not work due to horrible internet.  This is extremely frustrated!  It's so easy to take something completely out of context when it is written.

I read an interesting quote in Love and Respect the other day.  "If husbands and wives are to understand the Love and Respect Connection, they must realize that they communicate in code.  And the problem is, they don't know how to decipher the messages they sent to one another."  Makes sense right?  We've all been there.  

This takes so much patience, forgiveness, and understanding.  Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who is willing to work at our marriage no matter how difficult our situation might be!

Doubting, Uncertainty......Faith, Trusting

Ok, so I don't really talk about our trouble trying to conceive (mainly because people don't understand).  But right now, I'm kind of at the point where I just need to write about it.  Honestly, most of the things I write in this blog are simply for my own sake...so that I can return to it down the road and remember so many wonderful aspects of my life.

I had a really tough night last night.  I was a couple days late, and even though I knew better, I began to get my hopes up....simply to be saddened by that nasty little thing we call miss flow.  I wanted to vent, cry, complain, etc to Josh but the fact that he's on the other side of the world in a completely different time zone makes things a little difficult.  Instead, I cried on my bed, somewhat angry, but mostly disappointed.  I'm not saying this to try to make people feel sorry for me.  I'm simply writing down my feelings...as raw as they are.

I am thankful for a wonderful husband who never fails to remind me that God has a purpose for our lives and that we need to trust that His plan is best.  Still.....this is much easier said than done.

Honestly, I'm tired of seeing everyone pregnant and having babies.  I'm happy for them, but it's still hard to see.  I want to grab women by the neck when they complain about being pregnant.  Again, maybe I'm not detailing the best side of me, but I'm being honest.

I'm very thankful for the life God has given me.  I've been so blessed.  Sometimes I just need to slow down and dwell on the amazing aspects of my life instead of the aspects that I can't control.

Some Randomness

It's kind of funny how the things that annoyed me the most about Josh while he was here, are some of the very things that I miss so much.  Here's a list of my favorite annoyances:

1.  He throws his dirty clothes in a very neat pile in our room.  This pile seems to grow by the second.
2.  He NEVER changes the toilet paper roll when he's the last to use it.  He simply gets out a new roll and places it on the counter.
3.  He sings (quite loudly, I must add) in the car to songs that he has no idea what the lyrics are.  Instead, he mumbles words that kind of sound like the lyrics and swears he actually knows the songs.
4.  He rides the white line when driving and gives me a heart attack every time we go somewhere.  He insists that he's in his lane....my life flashing before my eyes proves otherwise.
5.  He has butterfingers, simply stated.  He hates when I say this about him, but he drops everything!

Ahhh....I love this man!

The Journey Has Begun

Well....Josh is gone and I'm missing him A LOT!  My countdown has begun (thankfully I get to start at 270 days this time instead of 365).  So far I've been able to talk to him a few times.  They usually consist of very short conversations or 4 a.m. conversations that I have a hard time recollecting later. :)  I'm sure I'll be blogging a lot these next 9 months.  Sometimes writing does the heart/soul/mind/body good. :)

On another note, one of my last blogs talked about the sadness of losing my job and not knowing why God was sending me in a direction I didn't necessarily want.  I've done a lot of thinking about my current job and have come up with some reasons that I believe God may have put me here.  First, I need to get out of the house while Josh is gone and if I had stayed in my tech writing job, I would always be home.  It helps me to be around other people and have constant communication when my hubby is gone.  Also, I've been able to get all my classes done during the day while I'm working.  We all know that I don't handle stress well so the fact hat I'm in a job where I can do school while working is a huge blessing.

Always try to see the positive in every life situation!  

Pre-Deployment

I'm not sure which is worse - pre-deployment or the actual deployment.  If I had to answer this, it would obviously be deployment but there's something about pre-deployment that drains a person.  It's the inevitable constantly looming over us.  It's the knowledge of what's to come and the constant effort to make every second count.  It's the dreaded thoughts that uninvitedly pop into your head at random moment and the constant denial that "something" could happen.  It's a feeling that most will never know.

Along with these feelings, there's also an amazing sense of pride that I have in saying that my husband is fighting for our country.  And Josh isn't just any soldier.  He's got an amazing work ethic and loves his job.  He thrives as a leader.

So....here's to hoping this month goes by both slow and fast.  Slow so that I can enjoy every second with Josh but fast so that I can begin my countdown for his return.

Accepting

I'm still not sure which lesson I'm being taught, but am pretty sure I'm being taught something.  I was offered a job (thankfully!), but said job pays half the amount I was previously making.  This has been really  hard for me to swallow...not necessary for financial issues, but for pride issues.  I asked God to provide me with a job an He did.  It wasn't the job I was hoping for, but I know there's a reason He chose this job for me.  My next big issue to work through (seems like there are a lot of these lately) is to get over my pride and learn to accept the path God leads me down.

New Year/New Outlook

As the new year begins, I'm having a hard time entering with a positive attitude.  2011 was a year filled with many blessings, all of which I'm very thankful for.  It was also a year that I struggled with accepting God's plan for my life.  I'm very organized, sometimes to a fault.  I like to plan out every detail of my day, week, and yes, even life.  This relentless planning often is my own demise.  I would love to be able to obtain a career in which I can grow.  Maybe I place too much of my self identity in a job, but this has always been a desire of mine.  In my three years as a technical writer, I was excited at the prospect of moving up the corporate ladder in this particular field.  Unfortunately, this job ended in December and left we with many questions, sadness, and uncertainties.  I think I've finally been able to accept the fact that as a military wife, I will most likely never be able to obtain a job that I could call a career.  At the same time, I'm still struggling to accept other areas in my life that aren't currently matching up with my plan.  I would love to receive a master's degree, but it's not financially feasible right now.  I would love to have children, but that's not in God's plan for the time being.  One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." It's comforting, through all my worrying, knowing that His plans are best.

Josh will be gone 9 months out of 2012.  So how do I look at this new year and enter it with excitement and hope?  I hope this post doesn't sound like I'm not thankful for the situation I've been put in.  That's not the case at all!  In fact, I wouldn't change it for a thing. I am so thankful for a wonderful husband, a comfortable home, and loving family and friends. I know I have countless things to be thankful for (all of which I am extremely thankful for).   I plan to make the best of the 9 months that Josh is gone.  The only way to go into a situation like this is with a positive attitude (and constant faith and trust in God). I definitely believe that this time away will only make our marriage stronger.  I believe that this time will force me (thankfully) to lean on God more.   

So cheers to 2012!  I pray that it will be a wonderful year!