Financing a baby

So Josh and I had another consult with our fertility specialist today. This one was to go over plans before Josh deploys. We can go three different ways. IUI in January, Laparoscopy in January, or IVF in February. Let me explain. We basically have one more chance to TTC before Josh deploys. After that we're out of luck for 9-12 months...thus the IUI in January. The Laparoscopy is a surgery that is done to look inside my tubes to see if any scaring is left from my ruptured appendix 20 years ago. I've already had the dye test (HSG) which came up clear, but there is still a chance of scaring. Obviously, if I do have scaring, then the IUI would be pointless. And IVF is the third option. Just saying that scares me (due to $$$).

A little side note about how much we're about to dish out with all of these.

IUIs are $500 a pop. That does not include the medication which can cost up to $450.

The Laparoscopy should be covered....although my doctor isn't completely sure about that.

And here comes the fun one. IVF would be roughly $15,000. Ouch! Basically, we could buy a nice car with that one.

I'm not sure who has this kind of money sitting around. I mean, I know that some people do, but we're far from that. So we have to make a decision on what we're doing by Monday.

So do we do the Laparoscopy in January and miss out on doing an IUI before Josh leaves? Or do we do an IUI in January with the chance that it could be a waste of money due to scaring? Or do we discount both and do an IVF with money that we don't have? Our doctor seems to think that an IVF is the best option since we've tried multiple rounds of clomid, Letrozole, and injections.

Decisions....decisions.....

New Kitchen....under $500

I've always dreamed about renovating our house. It was built in 2001 and you can tell. Oak cabinets, oak doors, brass door knobs... Unfortunately time is not on my side. Josh and I are often gone 12 hours a day and are exhausted by the time we get home.

We've wanted to redo our kitchen since we moved into our home in March. But with the lack of time and money, we kept putting it off. Josh finally decided that the kitchen project was going to be done while he was on leave. I fought him, not wanting to dish out the money or the time. Now I'm happy he put his foot down on this one :).

He spent long hours (and I helped when I wasn't working) refinishing the cabinets, adding knobs, and installing a new sink. The light fixtures had been done a few months ago. Altogether, this kitchen project cost us about $500. Below are the before and after pictures. I'm so happy and actually enjoy being in my kitchen now!
                                

 Before with old light fixtures

 

  Before with new light fixtures

After  

The Great Debate

I've always had a heart for adoption. Even before we knew we were infertile, I wanted to eventually adopt. So naturally, when we began to have problems getting pregnant, I immediately talked to Josh about possibly adopting.

At first, I was surprised at his answer. After he explained his reasoning time after time, I began to slowly understand it. Josh doesn't want to adopt...at least not yet. And this is his reason why. He desires to have a small part of him here on this earth. He desires to have that fulfillment in knowing that he helped create that small being. I think these are all natural thoughts.

But he also has thoughts that aren't quite as common. He's in the army and going on his third deployment so naturally his thoughts are a little more deep than most of us. He wants to know that if, God forbid, something happen to him, that he has a legacy....some part of him that is left on this earth.

For me, I just want a child to love and nurture. It doesn't matter if that child is adopted or my own flesh and blood. I fought (unintentionally) Josh on this for a while. Some days I still do want to fight him. Why would we pay thousands of dollars on IVF when we can give a child a family? But...the more I try to see Josh's perspective, the more I learn to respect it. We're two different people. And I'm thankful that he is so different from me :).

All I want for Christmas is...

Some good friends of our just had a sweet, little baby boy - 5 days before Christmas. As I looked at him, I began to tear up a little...both because I'm happy for their joy and I can't wait to understand what that joy feels like. As much as I'd like to say that I'm completely a selfless person and am always happy, it's not true. I struggle with an inward fight all the time. I struggle between genuinely being happy for someone while being completely jealous at the same time.

We didn't get a child this year but that's ok. We've been so blessed in every other aspect of our lives. I truely feel that we will someday be blessed with children. I just don't know how we'll get there. In the meantime, I'm working on relaxing a bit and trying to enjoy the simplicity of life. Thankfully I have a husband who forgives my complete irrationality and continues to love me through it. We recently were able to take a mini vacation to Mt Princeton Hot Springs Resort. I think I was able to relax and forget about my to-do-list for a few hours. :) That's a joke. I can never completely relax. Here are some pictures from our adventure.

A beautiful reminder...

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9

Painful Acknowledgment

Monday was painful. It was that second before I looked at the test and knew exactly what it would say. Not pregnant. The two weeks post IUI I tried my best to stay positive....and I think I succeeded. I wouldn't let myself think negative thoughts and there were numerous times when I thought I was having pregnancy symptoms. Heartburn, hotflashes, bloated...I know I wasn't making that stuff up. I won't lie, it kind of consumes you.

But I knew when I looked at my temperature the day before I was supposed to take the "real" test that I wasn't pregnant. My temp plummeted (which in the TTC world means you're going to start your period). I hate this. I hate that I didn't even have my husband to talk to when I got the negative. I hate that I cried when my brother told me they were pregnant (not because I'm sad, but because I want what they have so bad).

I know what I'm supposed to say. There's a reason. There's a plan. It will happen. I know all this stuff. But I'm too hurt to believe it right now. Before you start judging me, I really do believe that God has a plan for me. But I hate not being able to see a glimmer of hope.

So we'll try again. And hope it works before Josh deploys. If not, we'll continue living our lives...and trusting God.

Afraid to be Hopeful

I'm excited...yet afraid to be excited. I know, it doesn't make much sense. Josh and I are doing artificial insemination (IUI) on Monday. The chances of this working are much higher than anything we've done so far. I'm hopeful, but I'm also afraid to be disappointed. I want to be excited and have high hopes that this could finally be it...but I don't want to get excited just to be disappointed. I know, I sound horribly negative here. These are just honest, raw feelings.

The bad part about IUIs is that they're expensive and unfortunately, our insurance doesn't pay for them. We're blessed to both have jobs so we're able to pay for these, but it's definitely tight. I often wonder why God has asked us to wait for children. Maybe he wanted us to wait until I had a better job so that we could afford everything. I don't know...

I'm going to try to go into the IUI with a very positive attitude. If it doesn't happen this time, that's ok. We'll move on and try again. Thankfully, God has the situation in His hands and that makes this process but less daunting.