A letter to our baby

Sometimes I wonder who I have become...why I would ever be ok with taking out a loan to finance the chance of creating you. I'm a huge saver. I count my pennies and never spend irrationally. But here I am taking out a huge loan simply to TRY to conceive a baby....you.

Why is Josh doing this? He might answer this differently but I believe it's because he wants a child as much as I do...but more importantly, I believe that he cares so much for me that he doesn't care how much we spend in order to create a family. He's always been the one that thinks with his heart (which is why I love him so much).

I've realized that we can't put a price on love. That's what I want the most. I want a child to love and adore and to watch grow up. I want a child to make our family whole. And I know that Josh wants the same. We'll be paying this loan off for years, but it's worth it...you're worth it!

Josh will always be number one in our family. As much as I will love you, Josh will be a different kind of love. A love that I will need to protect and cherish. I truly believe that putting him first will make our family even more special...and ultimately, you will feel so loved by two parents who adore each other.

So here I am....a little sick to my stomach thinking about money....but so excited that we're finally getting a chance to have you. I know that this is in God's hands and I know that He will provide what is best for us. I just hope and pray that the best thing for us is you.

New doctor...new plan

We visited our new doctor last Friday. I have to say that I was a little bit apprehensive because I had read some reviews that he was a bit cocky. Thankfully, I didn't get this feeling at all. While he definitely looks impressive on paper, he only talked about some of that to prove credibility, which I actually like. It's good to know that my doctor knows what he's talking about :).

I also felt like he cared more about Josh than our last doctor. He was a surgeon in the military and actually gave us $2000 off IVF....which sounds good until I tell you about the price later :).

So long story short, Josh and I are both going through many of the same processes that we've already been through (lots of blood being drawn, urine testing, and a semen analysis). Even though we've already done all this, sometimes important issues fall through the cracks so it's important for our new doctor to get their own results.

Now here's the tough part...the cost. Fresh embryo IVF transfer is $14,000. Day 5 embryo biopsy and 23 pair chormose assessment IVF is $20,000....yep, that's right - $20,000!! And that's the one we're going with. Being a saver, I argued with Josh on this one. While the $20,000 is more expensive, it's success rate is also about 75%. The $20,000 also includes another IVF transfer just in case the first one doesn't work. At this point, it seems like the best option for us. When Josh told me that he wanted to go with the $20,000 one, I looked at him and told him that this means he won't be getting a new truck that he's been wanting for years. Thankfully, he's a good husband and teased that he would just name our child Ford or Chevy.

So that's the update. Looks like we're moving forward and this may happen as soon as February! Josh, unfortunately is on orders for Drill so he most likely will be gone in March. I'm excited/nervous. We really need prayers right now. Prayers that everything will work out, we'll have a healthy baby, and if it doesn't work, that we'll be able to accept this and move on.

Two steps forward...

One step back. This seems to be the way our infertility journey has gone. I finally made an appointment to go back to our fertility specialist, only to find out that he was retiring. So basically, we have to start all over again. We won't have to go through most of the testing again, but I did have to go back to my doctor on Post, get a new referral, and make a new consult for a new doctor (and that includes tons of paperwork that we just did 1.5 years ago).

This time, we're going to a doctor in Lonetree (Denver). I've heard good things about him, but the drive itself makes me wonder if this is the right thing for us. Although I'm not sure yet, I'm betting that he will be more expensive than our last specialist. Another issue is that Josh will most likely have to go to Kentucky for work between the months of April and August - which doesn't leave us a lot of time to do an IVF.

I don't want to sound like a glass half empty type of person but it is discouraging. I'm trying to stay hopeful about this new doctor and even get excited something thinking that we could be months away from getting pregnant. Our first appointment is in two weeks....so you'll be hearing from me then :).

Contentment and Comparisons

Do they go hand-in-hand? I believe so...at least in my life they do. I've been struggling with this a lot lately. As soon as I begin comparing my life to others' lives, I am no longer content. I become jealous (or even angry in some cases). Instead of focusing on my blessings, I let myself enter this black hole of unhappiness.

I compare myself to others in lots of ways. My house isn't as big, my cars aren't as new, my job doesn't pay as well....I could go on and on. The one I struggle with the most though is children. I compare myself to other 30 year olds. They usually have a couple kids by now (some are even done having children). Many of them just decide one day to have another child and guess what? They're pregnant the next month.

So do I compare myself to these ladies? Absolutely! I wonder how getting pregnant can be so easy. I know exactly what day I ovulate and almost 4 years later, I still can't get pregnant. But does this comparison make me happy? No. Comparing myself to these ladies only makes me unhappy.

Josh and I are blessed! Are we missing a beautiful thing that could happen in our lives? Yes. But do we have everything we could need? Absolutely. If I want to be content, I can't compare.

Quick Recap

I'm going to try to sum up the last few months in a quick post. Josh and I have been busy just trying to catch up on life. We've been doing a lot of our favorite hobby (hitting breweries with Friends). We should probably put running as our favorite hobby since beers show up quickly on the hips. :)

We enjoyed a wonderful time in Punta Cana with friends and most recently went to my little sister's wedding (which was equally as wonderful)!

Here are some pictures from both:

And finally, for a baby making update. We've decided to do one more IUI before going forward with an IVF. We're meeting with our doctor on Friday. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited for hope and scared for disappointment. I've also started to go to an acupuncturist. I'm hopeful that this might produce positive results too. I feel more relaxed than I have been in the past. Maybe it's because I've stopped trying to control the situation so much....I don't know. I think I'm finally getting to the point where I can completely put this in God's hands. Trust....I struggle with it so much!

The Life of a Beautiful Friend

Cancer took the life of one of my friends and roommates in St. Louis, Kelly Friend. She was one of the kindest people I knew. Honestly, I don't think there is a bad word I could say about her. She was always thinking about others. She was so creative and used her talent to bless other people. She gave me a place to stay when I needed it the most and became a friend to me during one of the hardest times of my life. When I found out that she had cancer, we sent her some money to pay for medical costs. She was so sweet to write a thank you note...something we never expected due to the circumstances. It's sad that such a beautiful life was lost but she will always be remembered.

Some of my favorite memories:

New (Good) Changes

Lots has happened since my last post. But the most important (and most exciting) event was the return of Josh! We were so blessed to have him come home two months early, making it a 7 month deployment. It's amazing how much shorter 7 months seemed than the last 9 month deployment and especially the 1 year deployment prior to that. There's nothing better than the whirlwind of excitement that happens with coming home ceremonies. Here's to hoping that he's able to stay home longer than a year this time. :)

I also ran my second marathon three days after his return. I cut 29 minutes off my first marathon time. I was definitely more prepared this time plus it helped that I lost quite a bit of elevation. It was also so much fun to have Josh cheering me on along the course and even running a few miles of it with me!