Halfway Folks!

Just a quick shout out to say we're half way through this deployment!! YAY...this makes my heart so happy.

And just a few photos since I've failed to post pictures recently:

We were facetimeing. Josh was laughing. I thought it was adorable.

Sometimes Josh sends me pictures. This one makes me nervous :).

 Just supporting my hunny while running the Bolder Boulder!

 Tough Box already? Came early this year....

 Love this one. So handsome.

Just something

I was a little surprised at my feelings. Today is Father's Day. Usually it doesn't bother me...today it did. Maybe this has something to do with Josh being gone and the fact that I miss him. But I'm sad that we can't celebrate a Father's Day. One day he'll make an amazing father. I know this because he is an amazing husband. So maybe next year! We won't have a child...but maybe we could be pregnant? Keeping my hopes up :).

Things I wish people understood

I progressively seem to get crankier the longer Josh is gone. So I apologize if my posts have started to seem negative. My intention with this blog was always to be real. And the real part of life is that I'm not always in a good mood.

With that said, I've been thinking a lot lately about my life...and maybe feeling a little bit sorry for myself. Sometimes the trivial things people complain about drive me crazy. But here I am again being absolutely judgmental and insensitive. I understand that.

I'm sorry your cat had to go to the vet today, but I was up all night last night worrying about my husband's safety. Right now, I don't care about your cat. I know everyone has their problems, but sometimes I think there can be a complete insensitively...or maybe people just don't care to try to udnerstand. And I'm definitely not excluded from this group of people. I know I can definitely be insensitive!

I know that my civilian friends and family will never understand the sickening worry I can feel when Josh is gone. That's understandable...they're not put in that position. But I don't even feel like I can talk about my feelings to them. The other night, I got about three hours of sleep because I knew that there were casualties where Josh was staying...I just didn't know who they were. Can you imagine trying to sleep when you don't know if one of those who died is your husband? You check your phone every second or go to the window to see if "those people" are coming towards your door.

But I can't complain. What my husband went through that day was something that he will never be able to explain to any civilians...or even many military people. Saying goodbye to multiple friends on one day is something that no one should have to do.

Along with all these emotions are the emotions of our infertility. I find myself getting upset at baby news....even though I want so bad to be happy. I hurt that Josh and I can't even try right now because he's gone going through the awful crap that he has to do/see.

Ok, I understand that life isn't fair. You know what's not fair? The family members of those five soldiers having to get the news that they were gone. That's what's not fair! As much as I've been through, I'm so blessed to have my husband. I know this.

Maybe I need to stay off facebook....

I've been telling myself this for years now! And the older I get, the more I think this. This weekend I learned about three new pregnancies on facebook. And like I've said a million times before, as much as I'm happy for them, it does make me sad. Simply because I want that same excitement.

Here comes a little rant.... One of the things that really bothers me from my mother friends is the "mother posts." These posts usually include sharing an article that someone else has written...and every once in a while it's their own post. They're the "You're not a mom so you don't know" kind of posts. There's tons of them out there. "You're not a mom so you don't understand my life" or "You're not a mom so you can't judge me" or "You're not a mom so we can't be friends." Ok, I made that last one up but that's basically what they're saying. As someone who would love to be a mom, these posts really offend me. They judge the non-mother type and put them down. They treat them like they're clueless and not as good of a person. I know that my friends aren't intentionally saying this, but this is how I read them. I'm sorry I'm not a mother. I'm sorry I don't know what it's like to be up at all hours of the night taking care of a baby. But you have no idea how bad I want that! You're not a better person than I am for being a mother.

Told you there was going to be a rant. I may just be a little emotional today :). But in all honesty, I wish more people would be a little more sympathetic. Be careful what you say because you have no idea what others are going through.

Why Mother's Day is Hard

I'm not really the jealous type. I'm pretty good at separating my life from others' lives. Even though we may not have as much as others, I feel extremely blessed with what God has given us (granted, I'm better at this some days than others).

But when it comes to others' children, I struggle. And Mother's Day has been one of the hardest days for me the last 3 years. I don't want to make this about myself in any way. I have the best mother and mother-in-law out there. I'm so blessed in both of those areas. But it always brings up my longing for children. It seems like everyone I know is now a mother. Just this morning, I get on facebook and see even more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for those people, but it just brings up a pain in my own heart.

During this infertility journey, one of my goals was to not become that person who shuts off the world due to the hurt she is feeling. So many infertile women do this. They won't go to baby showers or see friend's children because they can't deal with the pain. I won't allow myself to become that person. But at some time, I have to admit that I am human and I do feel pain. And yes, I'm jealous at times. I want to be a mother so bad.

So on this Mother's Day, I'm so grateful for the wonderful mothers in my life and long for that day when I can experience the same joy of motherhood.

Note from an Army Wife

We're three months into this deployment. On one hand, I'm happy it seemed to go by fast. On the other hand, it went by way too slow and I'm ready to be done with this deployment. This is my third time doing this but it doesn't get any easier. Josh and I have been married for 5 years (in a few months) and he's been deployed three of those years. It's incredibly frustrating. It's so hard to grow when your only communication is instant messaging and occasional skype calls.

Something I've learned this deployment is that this time away is the perfect time for me to work on myself. Even though Josh and I can't spend quality time together, I can work on becoming a better wife to him. I'm determined to grow even though we're thousands of miles apart.

I'm worn out. I'm tired of doing everything myself. I'm lonely and I miss him terribly. But I am grateful that Josh loves me through it all. Now that we have a house, I have to deal with broken things. So far he's helped me fix the air conditioner and a hose faucet all the way from Afghanistan! It's comforting to know that he's still there for me no matter how far away he is.

This is just a vent. I'll be better. And hopefully the next six months fly by!

Some Awareness

So April 20-26 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 3.5 years into this, I think that I've experienced most issues dealing with infertility.

If I was to give a bit of advice in order to bring awareness to infertility, it would be this:

Please don't ever tell an infertile person that you know what they're going through (unless you've been through it). It's one of those pains that no one will know unless they personally experience it. I will say that I've been very aware of what I say around others who are dealing with their own struggles. I personally don't know what most of those people are dealing with. As friends, we should be a loving person, a listening ear, and a compassionate heart.

Please don't tell an infertile person that they just need to relax. This goes along with telling them that maybe they should try this or do that. Trust me, infertile women have tried everything. Relaxing doesn't always work!

Don't try to give your opinions. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I just need to eat this or take that. Again, trust me when I say that I've tried everything. I appreciate people trying to help, but it's only frustrating when they assume your "issue" will get fixed if you just try what they suggest.

Be sensitive. Listen. Be a friend. That's all infertile women need. They don't need fixes. They just need people who are compassionate and supportive. (Thankfully, I have many of these people in my life!)

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And just as a side note, I'm now 30. Yikes! I had a good birthday (although once again, my husband couldn't be there to celebrate it with me). Thank you Army!

My twin brother came out to visit. We visited some breweries, went hiking, and went skydiving. Yep, skydiving. Didn't think I'd ever say that! Oh, and I also did a half marathon.

Some of my best friends also took me out the following week. We started with blowouts at the spa, had dinner at a classy jazz restaurant, and followed that by making soap in Manitou Springs. All in all, it was a good birthday :).