Sometimes I want to be weak

I'm strong....and I don't necessarily take pride in that. Not physically strong (although I wish I was). I'm talking mentally. I've been through some hard areas in life that have forced me to put on a hard - yes, even rough - exterior. I get through rough patches by putting on a smile, picking myself up, and moving on. As much as this is a good thing, it's also not. I don't cry often. And when I do, I shed a few tears and that's it. I can't remember the last time I had a good hard sob. I won't let myself sob. I couldn't even tell you why. It just doesn't happen.

I'm so tired of trying to avoid my feelings when it comes to our infertility journey. I'm so tired of trying to push the fact that I miss my husband terribly under the rug so that I won't hurt worse. It's hard....so hard. I will always back up Josh as long as he decides to stay in the military, but it's so hard. I'm so lonely and I miss seeing him and kissing him every day. I miss going to bed with him. I miss going for hikes or runs on Saturdays. I even miss silly things like his dirty laundry and the bathroom seat up.

But then I go back to being strong. It'll be easier to get through all of this if I just toughen up and go on with my day, right? Or is it?

It's been 2 months. I hope that the next 7 go by fast because this isn't easy.

Getting Closer

So today I had a sonohysterogram. From what I understand, they put water water into your uterus (more painful than I thought it would be!) and do a regular ultrasound to make sure everything looks ok. They also did the "pretend" transfer today to make sure that it works. Everything went well. I'm excited to be done with all of these doctor's visits. Thankfully, my boss is very understanding and allows me to take off multiple times a months...and sometimes a week.

On Friday, I pick up my birth control. Yep, you heard that right. After three years of being off birth control and trying to get pregnant, I'm going back on it! This will just be for a month before the IVF. I think it's to regulate things...but I'm actually not sure. Wow....I'm the worst patient ever! How do I not know this stuff?

I'm excited and a bit nervous. I'm very optimistic about this one. Maybe because it's a bigger procedure and has a better rate of working. I've also learned that being pessimistic gets me no where. The next couple of months I'm going to work on getting myself ready for June (when we plan to do the transfer). This means no coffee (yep you heard me right) and no strenuous workouts. AHHH!! I about had a heart attack when my doctor told me I shouldn't run my half marathon I signed up for in May (just because it's too close to June). I will still run my April half but then begin to only work out 30-45 minutes a day. As much as this kills me, it will all be worth it. Plus, I've found ways around no caffeine. Apparently Starbucks makes most of their drinks decaf as well....this could be a bad thing :).

It's a little sad doing all this by myself. I wish Josh could hold my hand through it all. But I'm strong and he's strong and we'll get through it together thousands of miles apart :).

Decisions....

So here we are again...making decisions. I hate this part. I wish these things were easy. I wish that God would just send me an email and tell me what decision is best for us. :)

I had another IVF consult with my doctor. Looks like we're going through with this thing! I'm excited but nervous. It's a lot of money not to work. I came out of that appointment a bit defeated though. My doctor asked me how much coffee I drink a day. I said 3 cups. Later, after calculating the coffee I drink, I realized it's more like 5 cups. Yikes! He told me that I could only have one cup a day and it would be best to have no cups. I've been wanting to wean my drinking habbits for a while, so there's no time to start like now! << Did that sentence just make me sound like an alcoholic? :)

The worst part is that he told me not to run my May half marathon. If you're a runner, you'll realize how hard this is. Running is also my stress reliever while Josh is deployed. So neeless to say, I was disappointed. Thankfully, I can still work out and run....just nothing strenuous.

Now for the decisions part - we have to decide whether we are going to insert one embryo or two. My doctor suggests one based on my age and health. I would love that...if it worked. But putting only one embryo in makes me nervous. For the money we're paying, I would feel better putting in two since the chance seems better. But then you have the risk of a harder pregnancy and a possible early birth. We're still not sure what we're going to do. Lots of prayers and hoping we get a clear answer.

Dad's Surprise 60th Birthday

So a couple months ago, some of my family members had this grand idea of throwing my dad a surprise birthday party. It wasn't just any birthday. This one was his 60th. So the girls got together and began planning. You have to udnerstand that our family never was into birthdays. We never threw parties and never had surprises. So to do this was somthing new. There were a couple things that concerned us a bit. First, my dad does not like attention....at all. So to throw a surprise birthday for him, where he would be the center of attention, was a bit of a gamble. Second, my mom can not keep a secret. Ever. So to bring her into this situation was also...a gamble.

Fast forward to the surprise party. I drove down from Colorado and Jared and Mindy drove from Texas (unfortunately, Sam and Karen couldn't make it). We spent all day Saturday prepping for the party. And guess what? My mom did an amazing job keeping the secret! She's got a little more edge than we thought! The best part was that my dad was actually surprised and everything worked out perfectly!

As we all know, I'm not much of a story teller. I could go into much greater detail, but that gives you the gist. Here are some pictures to tell the story in a little greater detail.

Too deep?

I try to stay away from posts that are too deep....not because I'm afraid of them, but because I like to keep my posts on the lighter side (most of the time).

With that said, I'm going to get deep here. Some of my girlfriends and I were talking about how life can sometimes be difficult (for some more than other) and how some very common phrases are often used to "justify" these difficulties. I'm sure you've heard them or used them before (I know I have). They are, "Everything happens for a reason" and "God won't give you more than you can handle."

They are nice phrases, but are they true? I honestly don't know. I believe that things happen in our lives so that God can carry out a plan. But here's where it gets difficult. How do you tell someone who is dying from cancer or dealing with sorrow that everything happens for a reason. Why is it happening to them? Is there a justifiable reason? There are so many unanswered questions to difficulties in life. And as long as we are here on earth, many of these questions will never get answered.

One of my favorite blogs as of late is this one. And I agree with her. Sometimes we are given more than we can handle....emotionally, physically, mentally.....

One of my favorite quotes is from Corrie Ten Boom - "Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God." And in times of difficulties, this holds true more than other. Trust in a God that will comfort us in our time of need. We may not know why things happen, but it's comforting to know that He will never leave us or forsake us.

I thought I was ok...

The test was negative. Was I surprised? No. Was I more upset than I thought I would be? Absolutely.

I was pretty sure that I was not pregnant because I didn't feel anything. I know many women do not feel pregnant until later on, but I'm pretty in tune to my body and there was nothing. I actually felt really calm and peaceful about the situation up till the day I took the test. I told my self over and over again that it was ok if it didn't happen. But when I took the test, I realized I wasn't truly ok with it.

I'd like to say that I'm strong. I'd like to say that I'm completely at peace with the situation and that I've put all trust in God's plan. But I'd be lying. I want a baby. And I know that Josh and I would be amazing parents....so it's hard to try to understand why we can't have one.

I'm not a negative person. I don't get upset when I go to baby showers. I love all my friends' children and my nieces/nephews so much. I don't get upset when I see someone is having their third child in the time that we've been trying to have one. But I do hurt. And I do question why this is so difficult.

To add to this, now my husband is gone (again) and I have to go through this by myself. Obviously he gives as much support as he can over the phone but he can't hold me and tell me that everything will be ok. He can't be there for me when I have a hard time. I'm so thankful for the support of my family friends, but no one can replace my husband.

So there you have it. Those are my real, raw feelings. I wish I could say that I was ok, but I'm really not. I struggle on a daily basis with this. Sometimes I'm completely ok. Other times, I hurt so much. I find my comfort in prayer and in knowing that God's ways are better than my ways.

A Vicious Cycle

For us, deployments come on even years. I wish I was exagerating here...

Josh was gone in 2008 (that wasn't a deployment, but training for 5 months). He was deployed the end of 2009-2010, 2012, and 2014. Yep, that means we get a year on and a year off.

He just left for his 2014 deployment.  I'm surprisingly calm about this one. I keep thinking that maybe it just hasn't sunk in. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly. But so far, things have been running pretty smoothly. Now here comes the embarrasing part....we're only 2 days in :). Now you can see why things have not been that bad! I'm dreading the next nine months, but I'm also hoping it will be a time where I can grow. Grow spiritually, grow as a wife, grow healthier.....etc. It's up to us to make a good situation out of a bad one...and trust me, I'm going to try my hardest!

I say things are easy now, but I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to this week. This will be the first real week without Josh. I'll have to get used to going to the gym by myself, cooking by myself, and going to bed by myself. I'll have to deal with two dogs that always seem to act out when Josh is gone (I'm not kidding....they're like little human beings)! And lastly, I'll have to deal with the possibility of a negative test on Thursday. Thursday will be two weeks since we did our second IUI. I keep telling myself that I'm ok...but we'll see. I'm somewhat sad already because I don't feel pregnant...at all! But at the same time, I do have some peace with this one.

On Thursday, I'll blog again. I hope it's a good blog :).

 Moments before we said "see you later"

 At Bourbon Brothers the night before they deployed 

(with our friends Ashley and Roshan)