...No Words

I'm not exactly sure what to say in this post. I don't want to come across as depressed or feeling sorry for myself or hopeless...because I'm not. I'm just sad. Ok, I'm really sad. We were told that our embryo had abnormalities and there was no way it would have lived. So I sit here wondering why this keeps happening and where we're supposed to turn from here. Why is it so hard for us to make a baby when everyone around us seems to get pregnant at the drop of a dime?

I'm thankful for an adorably sweet husband who always knows how to comfort me when I'm sad. And I'm thankful that he's so much stronger than me because I need that rock during times like this. I know that I say this over and over again, but I know we're blessed. And I know that everything will eventually work out. 

So until then, we wait. We have a consult next week. Josh and I have decided that if we're told that all we have to pay for is medications, then we'll try this again. If not, we'll move on. Adoption has always been on my heart so the possibility of that makes me so happy. I know there's a little Bone out there somewhere. And his/her parents are waiting. That baby will be a miracle no matter how it happens.

Latest Update

I don't really know how to feel today....excited or disappointed. Maybe I'm a little of both. We got news that only one embryo made it. The next step is sending this embryo off for testing to make sure it's good. We'll get news in 5-10 days. I'm terrified that this won't work...but at the same time hear a constant voice in my head saying, "just have faith." I know that God has a plan. And maybe that plan is not for us to have biological children. But maybe it is. Maybe this one embryo is our child.

We put a lot on the line for this...$20,000 to be exact. My goal for the next 5-10 days is to remain as positive as possible. And to trust that God's plan is better than my plan.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Yesterday wasn't the best day. We were told that only 2 eggs made it to day 1 (out of 7). While it's wonderful that we still have 2, the thought of those 2 not making it creates fear and worry within me. I wish I was more like Josh. He's so strong and has so much faith that everything will work according to God's will. I do too...but I also doubt. I try not to, trust me...but it creeps in.

I want for those 2 eggs to make it so bad. But in the end, it all comes down to having complete faith in God that His will is best. Even if that means we can't have biological children.

So we wait. And hopefully we won't hear from our doctor until day 5 (which means that at least one of the embryos made it).

Retrieval - done!

Today was my retrieval. They were able to pull 7 eggs, which is a good number (pretty average). Everything went really well. I've been cramping all day but that's pretty normal. Now we wait to see how many of those 7 eggs made it. I'll hear from my nurse tomorrow and on day 5. By day 5, I should know exactly how many good embryos we have.

I'm so happy not to have to take injections anymore...what a pain (pun intended :))! The trigger shot (taken two days ago) was the worst. This went into the upper part of my ass. That's not terrible but the needle was ridiculously long. I was definitely sore for a couple of days :).

Josh was awesome today and took care of me all day long. I slept for a few hours with my snuggle buddy, Jax. All in all, it was a good day. We're blessed :).

Week 1 - Complete!

Well, we just finished our first week of hormonal craziness. I was taking two injections every night and up to four injections every morning. As you can imagine, that's not exactly fun...physically or emotionally. We also had daily trips up to Denver for ultrasounds and bloodwork. Because of these doctor's visits, I had to work over lunch and past quitting time at work in order to make up time. Let's just say, it was an exhausting week.

Thankfully, I have a wonderful, supportive husband who gets up with me, mixes all my medications, and drives me to Denver so I don't have to do that trip by myself. Speaking of wonderful husbands, we celebrated his birthday/being accepted into flight school last weekend with a fancy dinner at the Briarhurst (picture below).

The good news is that everything is on track. Currently I have about 5 follicles that are growing at a good rate. One of them is a bit further a long than the rest so they're trying to slow that one down by upping my Menopur injections. Funny story....Josh and I actually met a pharmacist that works in Denver in a Colorado Springs shopping center so that he could give us our drugs. Long story short, we ran out of Menopur and needed it immediately. Thankfully, this pharmacist lives in Colorado Springs and was willing to meet us somewhere. Still...it's a bit strange meeting a random guy in a parking lot at 9:00pm on a Friday night to pick up drugs.

Next week is our egg retrieval. I'm excited/hopeful!

Date night with my hubby

 One week's injections - we actually ended up adding to this supply

 The fun process of pinching skin and giving myself shots

 This is about $400 of medication...yikes!

Don't ignore your blessings

That may be a strange title but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I think that most of us are generally glass half empty kind of people. When things are going well, we tend to go on with life but as soon as something doesn't go well, we become negative, depressed, or whatever it might be. Lately, I've been thinking about the direction our lives have been going...why certain things have or have not happened. I think if we fail to notice that God is working in our lives, that we can miss so many blessings.

For example, we recently had some good friends come into our lives. These friends are at the same process we are with infertility and are going through the IVF process two months before us. As much as I wish this wasn't difficult for them, it has been a blessing to be able to go through this process with other people who understand...who we can vent to and share joys with.

We were also blessed with money recently that paid for all of our medications. These IVF medications are not cheap! I worry about money...this is no secret. Two things have happened recently where I feel like God is telling me to relax. I got a raise at work that will actually cover most of the monthly payments for one of the IVF loans we recently took out. AND Josh just found out that he was chosen for Warrant yesterday! Not only is this a dream come true for him, but it will help us out financially. By the way, I'm so proud of him and how much he has accomplished!

So...we're moving forward with this IVF process and I'm feeling so much more at peace. My retrieval is schedule for January 29. This is the "surgery" when they remove my eggs. Since I have a low AMH level, it's harder to produce eggs. My prayers are that we can produce multiple so that we can hopefully make at least one good embryo. Obviously God is in control and I'm thankful that He's shown that to us over and over again.

This is really happening!

It feels so strange sometimes to think that I could be pregnant in April. We're actually going through with this IVF - something I honestly never thought we'd have to come to. I have a range of emotions but mostly I'm just excited and hopeful.

Right now, we're prepping. I'm currently taking birth control, which seems so counter productive! But it's necessary to get my body ready for this. We're also talking to pharmacies and ordering tons of (very expensive) medications, setting up appointments and IVF classes, and getting all necessary blood work and physicals done.

Some of our good friends are actually going through this process with us. As much as I hate to see anyone have to go through this, it is nice to have someone who understands exactly what we're going through. Since they're doing a fresh cycle, they're actually getting the embryos implanted in February. We'll be two months behind them (in April). It's so fun to see this happening in friends as well.

So onward and upward! I have a feeling 2015 is going to be a good year :).