When Things Don't Go Your Way

2015 has been rough so far. From our failed IVF, to moving away from our beloved Colorado, to a 6500 car issue, to a buyer backing out of our house......I feel like we're being tested. I know this is life and this is how things go but I don't understand why things have been so difficult lately. It's rough...especially since we want to adopt but it feels like things keep getting in our way. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself right now. I've told God numerous times, "Ok, God, I trust You that everything will work out." And I do. But dang it, I just want things to go a little smoother! We move across the country to Alabama next week and I'm really hoping this will provide a clean slate for us. They say "Sweet Home Alabama"....I sure hope I feel that way when we get there :).

Sea Eagle Drive

It's crazy to think that Josh and I are selling our first house together. We haven't been there long but have enjoyed it so much. I've enjoyed it more since Josh was deployed for 7 months out of the 2 years we've had it :).

We've never done this whole selling a house things so we're not really sure what to expect. It's been on the market for 2 weeks and we've had a handful of showings but no offers. If we don't get something soon, we'll have to lower the price since we need to move in less than a month.

We're actually pretty proud of the minor updates we did to the house when we had it. Here are a few before and after pictures.

Kitchen Before

 

Kitchen After

 Living Room Before

Living Room After

 

Call us crazy

So Josh and I ran a half marathon last Sunday in 18 degree weather. To make it worse, it was hilly, icy, and I was sick. We also only trained for 3 weeks for this thing.

Even though we were sore (me more than Josh) and tired, it was actually fun! I love that we have the opportunity to run in a beautiful state. We've grown to love Colorado and are going to miss it when we move to Alabama. No matter where the army takes us, we'll definitely eventually make this state our home.

A little closure

Josh and I visited our doctor today for a follow up and even though we didn't get great news, we left feeling a sense of peace. Dr. Bush told me (in the nicest way) that I have bad eggs. He said that sometimes the quality of a female's eggs diminish when she's 45, sometimes it happens when she's 28. You just never know. I'm only 30 and started trying to conceive when I was 26...unfortunately, for me, that was too late.

He talked to us about an egg donor but that doesn't feel right. I think knowing that we're out of options makes this adoption even more exciting.

We're also in a pretty big transitional phase of our life. Josh was accepted into flight school so we're moving to Fort Rucker, Alabama in April. Our lifestyle will change completely since we'll be in a small town. Thankfully, this will be a great opportunity for us to start saving money and looking into adoption agencies. I'm also very blessed to be able to work from home, which will really help us financially.

So onward and upward! Lots of changes are coming our way but we're excited.

Raw feelings

I use this blog as an outlet to share my true, real feelings. Maybe this is bad...maybe it's not. But I do think it's a good thing to be able to express how you feel, no matter how ugly those feelings might be.

I'll be honest - I've had my days since we found out about our embryo. Some days I'm fine and can see a bright future. Other days I'm mad. I don't want to say I'm mad at God because I'm not. But I am questioning Him. Some days I just sit there and ask Him why He is doing this? Why can't He just make this easy for us? What have I done to deserve this? And so on so forth.

But I also know that my life (compared to many) is SO easy. There are so many problems in this world that are a million times greater than our infertility.

I'll be honest - I want to be that person that has an amazing attitude about this. I want to be that person that puts her complete faith and trust in God, knowing that His plan is best. But I'm not there yet. And I feel ugly and shameful for it. At the same time, I know that God loves me even through my struggles. And I know that He is with me step by step as I work through my issues and strive for complete trust.

Words that I may not be the best at expressing

I'm a lot like my dad. And I'm pretty proud of that...although, one area that I may not be so proud of is my lack of communication. My parents used to make fun of me when I was growing up because they would ask me how my day was and my response was always, "fine." I sound like your typical guy, right? Well when it comes to communication, I'm definitely the male in my marriage. It's actually the running joke around our house. Thankfully God gave me a husband who is opposite and is amazing at expressing his feelings and trying to pull information out of me.

I'm so thankful for Josh. And I don't say that enough. There are so many little things about him that I love. I love how he makes dinner for me almost every night. I love it when I tell him I've had a bad day and I come home to a glass of wine and cheese covered chips (my favorites)! I love how he meets me at the gym after work even after he's already worked out for the day. I love how he tucks his hand under my leg at night and touches his foot to mine while we sleep. I love how he adores me even when I wake up crabby...every.single.morning. I love watching him laugh and interact with other people in a group setting - and I love how genuinely nice he is. I love that he's both manly and sensitive. I love how he's honest with me when I'm not treating him well and tells me to stop (believe it or not, I need that and appreciate it).

I could go on and on. But I'll keep it short for today :).

10 Miles of Therapy

That's exactly what happened yesterday. I love running and I love it even more when Josh is with me. I talked him into signing up for a half marathon on March 1 (which gives us exactly three weeks to train for it). Thankfully, this didn't scare Josh off. In fact, running long miles without training is not new to him.

Later that day, we went to a Valentine's Day group painting class. It was so much fun spending this time with Josh and good friends. Josh added a verse to his painting - Proverbs 13:12. It says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." A little backstory to this - I've always wanted to eventually adopt (although I assumed it would be after having biological children). Josh always said that he wanted a little Josh or Alyssa first. So we tried. Yesterday, when he showed me this painting with this verse, he told me that it was his way of saying that he wanted to move forward with adoption. This means so much to me and I'm excited to start a new journey.

Post Run

Pre Painting