Maybe I need to stay off facebook....

I've been telling myself this for years now! And the older I get, the more I think this. This weekend I learned about three new pregnancies on facebook. And like I've said a million times before, as much as I'm happy for them, it does make me sad. Simply because I want that same excitement.

Here comes a little rant.... One of the things that really bothers me from my mother friends is the "mother posts." These posts usually include sharing an article that someone else has written...and every once in a while it's their own post. They're the "You're not a mom so you don't know" kind of posts. There's tons of them out there. "You're not a mom so you don't understand my life" or "You're not a mom so you can't judge me" or "You're not a mom so we can't be friends." Ok, I made that last one up but that's basically what they're saying. As someone who would love to be a mom, these posts really offend me. They judge the non-mother type and put them down. They treat them like they're clueless and not as good of a person. I know that my friends aren't intentionally saying this, but this is how I read them. I'm sorry I'm not a mother. I'm sorry I don't know what it's like to be up at all hours of the night taking care of a baby. But you have no idea how bad I want that! You're not a better person than I am for being a mother.

Told you there was going to be a rant. I may just be a little emotional today :). But in all honesty, I wish more people would be a little more sympathetic. Be careful what you say because you have no idea what others are going through.

Why Mother's Day is Hard

I'm not really the jealous type. I'm pretty good at separating my life from others' lives. Even though we may not have as much as others, I feel extremely blessed with what God has given us (granted, I'm better at this some days than others).

But when it comes to others' children, I struggle. And Mother's Day has been one of the hardest days for me the last 3 years. I don't want to make this about myself in any way. I have the best mother and mother-in-law out there. I'm so blessed in both of those areas. But it always brings up my longing for children. It seems like everyone I know is now a mother. Just this morning, I get on facebook and see even more pregnancy announcements. I'm so happy for those people, but it just brings up a pain in my own heart.

During this infertility journey, one of my goals was to not become that person who shuts off the world due to the hurt she is feeling. So many infertile women do this. They won't go to baby showers or see friend's children because they can't deal with the pain. I won't allow myself to become that person. But at some time, I have to admit that I am human and I do feel pain. And yes, I'm jealous at times. I want to be a mother so bad.

So on this Mother's Day, I'm so grateful for the wonderful mothers in my life and long for that day when I can experience the same joy of motherhood.

Note from an Army Wife

We're three months into this deployment. On one hand, I'm happy it seemed to go by fast. On the other hand, it went by way too slow and I'm ready to be done with this deployment. This is my third time doing this but it doesn't get any easier. Josh and I have been married for 5 years (in a few months) and he's been deployed three of those years. It's incredibly frustrating. It's so hard to grow when your only communication is instant messaging and occasional skype calls.

Something I've learned this deployment is that this time away is the perfect time for me to work on myself. Even though Josh and I can't spend quality time together, I can work on becoming a better wife to him. I'm determined to grow even though we're thousands of miles apart.

I'm worn out. I'm tired of doing everything myself. I'm lonely and I miss him terribly. But I am grateful that Josh loves me through it all. Now that we have a house, I have to deal with broken things. So far he's helped me fix the air conditioner and a hose faucet all the way from Afghanistan! It's comforting to know that he's still there for me no matter how far away he is.

This is just a vent. I'll be better. And hopefully the next six months fly by!

Some Awareness

So April 20-26 is National Infertility Awareness Week. 3.5 years into this, I think that I've experienced most issues dealing with infertility.

If I was to give a bit of advice in order to bring awareness to infertility, it would be this:

Please don't ever tell an infertile person that you know what they're going through (unless you've been through it). It's one of those pains that no one will know unless they personally experience it. I will say that I've been very aware of what I say around others who are dealing with their own struggles. I personally don't know what most of those people are dealing with. As friends, we should be a loving person, a listening ear, and a compassionate heart.

Please don't tell an infertile person that they just need to relax. This goes along with telling them that maybe they should try this or do that. Trust me, infertile women have tried everything. Relaxing doesn't always work!

Don't try to give your opinions. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that I just need to eat this or take that. Again, trust me when I say that I've tried everything. I appreciate people trying to help, but it's only frustrating when they assume your "issue" will get fixed if you just try what they suggest.

Be sensitive. Listen. Be a friend. That's all infertile women need. They don't need fixes. They just need people who are compassionate and supportive. (Thankfully, I have many of these people in my life!)

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And just as a side note, I'm now 30. Yikes! I had a good birthday (although once again, my husband couldn't be there to celebrate it with me). Thank you Army!

My twin brother came out to visit. We visited some breweries, went hiking, and went skydiving. Yep, skydiving. Didn't think I'd ever say that! Oh, and I also did a half marathon.

Some of my best friends also took me out the following week. We started with blowouts at the spa, had dinner at a classy jazz restaurant, and followed that by making soap in Manitou Springs. All in all, it was a good birthday :).

Oceans (Where My Feet May Fail)

I want to start this blog off by saying that I don't blog for others to see. My main reason is because I want memories. I want to look back and be able to see where I was in life, what I was struggling with, or the joys I was experiencing. With that said, this blog is going to be a little different than most of mine.

I was sitting in church this morning and a song, that I've sung many times, hit me. Here is a small part of it:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

The lyrics are beautiful. And for me, I long to be able to say this with freedom. I can say that I fully trust God and will go wherever He leads me...but I don't truly act this way. Sometimes I make fun of my A type, strong, controlling personality, but I honestly struggle so much with this personality. I need to be in control so much that I can't trust anyone....even to the point where I'm not sure I completely trust God to take care of me. Yes, I would like to believe that...but I don't think I act that way. How many times have I tried to take situations into my own hands because I don't trust God to take care of it?

I've also failed as a wife in this area. I know that the respect/submission topic is a controversial issue amongst Christians. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I truly believe that it's my responsibility to respect my husband...and part of this is giving him my complete trust. Again, I can say I trust and respect my husband all day long, but until my actions show it, it's not true.

Changing these things in my life will not only make me happier, but will make those around me happier. I've tried many times to make changes in this area, but have always fallen back to my normal, controlling, non-trusting self. And I've hurt people and my relationship with God because of it. It's a personality. I get it. But it needs to be changed. I know some people think it's ridiculous to try to change your personality. I'm not changing who I am as a person. I'm changing how I react or respond to situations in my life. This year, I'm working on becoming that trusting, respectful person to my husband. Will it be easy? No. But I know it needs to happen and I'm actually excited about changing my non-trusting, controlling personality into one that is loving, kind, respectful, and full of trust.

Sometimes I want to be weak

I'm strong....and I don't necessarily take pride in that. Not physically strong (although I wish I was). I'm talking mentally. I've been through some hard areas in life that have forced me to put on a hard - yes, even rough - exterior. I get through rough patches by putting on a smile, picking myself up, and moving on. As much as this is a good thing, it's also not. I don't cry often. And when I do, I shed a few tears and that's it. I can't remember the last time I had a good hard sob. I won't let myself sob. I couldn't even tell you why. It just doesn't happen.

I'm so tired of trying to avoid my feelings when it comes to our infertility journey. I'm so tired of trying to push the fact that I miss my husband terribly under the rug so that I won't hurt worse. It's hard....so hard. I will always back up Josh as long as he decides to stay in the military, but it's so hard. I'm so lonely and I miss seeing him and kissing him every day. I miss going to bed with him. I miss going for hikes or runs on Saturdays. I even miss silly things like his dirty laundry and the bathroom seat up.

But then I go back to being strong. It'll be easier to get through all of this if I just toughen up and go on with my day, right? Or is it?

It's been 2 months. I hope that the next 7 go by fast because this isn't easy.

Getting Closer

So today I had a sonohysterogram. From what I understand, they put water water into your uterus (more painful than I thought it would be!) and do a regular ultrasound to make sure everything looks ok. They also did the "pretend" transfer today to make sure that it works. Everything went well. I'm excited to be done with all of these doctor's visits. Thankfully, my boss is very understanding and allows me to take off multiple times a months...and sometimes a week.

On Friday, I pick up my birth control. Yep, you heard that right. After three years of being off birth control and trying to get pregnant, I'm going back on it! This will just be for a month before the IVF. I think it's to regulate things...but I'm actually not sure. Wow....I'm the worst patient ever! How do I not know this stuff?

I'm excited and a bit nervous. I'm very optimistic about this one. Maybe because it's a bigger procedure and has a better rate of working. I've also learned that being pessimistic gets me no where. The next couple of months I'm going to work on getting myself ready for June (when we plan to do the transfer). This means no coffee (yep you heard me right) and no strenuous workouts. AHHH!! I about had a heart attack when my doctor told me I shouldn't run my half marathon I signed up for in May (just because it's too close to June). I will still run my April half but then begin to only work out 30-45 minutes a day. As much as this kills me, it will all be worth it. Plus, I've found ways around no caffeine. Apparently Starbucks makes most of their drinks decaf as well....this could be a bad thing :).

It's a little sad doing all this by myself. I wish Josh could hold my hand through it all. But I'm strong and he's strong and we'll get through it together thousands of miles apart :).